Blood is like a Crimson Flood that washes all her tears away

chapter 55-lonely nights

2011-07-26T10:20:00.001-07:00

I felt the loneliest at night. It was at night when the darkness would threaten to swallow my very existence and made me feel extremely fragile and helpless. it was at night when I felt most alone,As if no one would ever come for me. It was at night when I realised, how alone I was sometimes.

Kei was beside me, sleeping, his chest rising and falling steadily with slow quiet breaths.

Luna and Erina were safe. left in another city in the care of a family friend Erina had.

I missed Komori and Kurosa. I missed Rengeki extend.

Most of all, I missed stellar One-sama.

Kei and Stellar one-same would always be one and the same,but yet different. stellar would never come back to me

Never

Chapter 54

2011-07-26T10:11:00.000-07:00

Our Mobile suits immediately halted to a stop. Only the 3 of us were left now. We dismounted.

We met Kurosa midway between our mobile suits in the sand.

He was sent to retrieve what was reported as stolen military secrets. That did not just include Wolfsbane and Celeste but our very existence. His intention was more than an enforcer though, and he wanted to find out the very reason I left.

I did not reveal much, but asked him to trust me and told him to beware of the intentions of those in the EFSF. I did not know how many were involved but I refused to trust them ever since the day Kei and I realised that we were merely military experiments that were disposable as long as more could be created. Alpha's intention to use me as an extended experiment could kill me one day.

Kurosa paused and told us Alpha would create more to replace our very existence.To destroy us, the carriers of military secrets if necessary.

Kei and I stated our stand. We would not return to the EFSF. Not even if threatened by force. We would silence Kurosa if necessary.

We parted with Kurosa's word that he would no longer be involved in this search. Let the newly created extends find us if they could. But Komori and Kurosa would not maintain anymore involvement.

Rengeki extend was now officially disbanded

chapter 53-Desert Blood

2011-07-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

The close range mobile suits burst from the sand dunes behind us preparing to catch us by surprise. But Kei and I, already planning for such a thing to happen. Took down two of them almost immediately and flew out into the desert clearing.

Almost immediately, 5 mid range mobile suits attack us. We took them all down.

There was only one close range mobile suit left. He was slippery, evading us with a skill that amazed me for a close range fighter. Also, this mobile suit was not any ordinary mobile suit. I suspected it was also one of the new technology mobile suits equipped to be able to sustain long hours of usage without requiring recharging from base facilities. Also, his fighting style was uncannily familiar. Before we could end the battle though, my radio communicator crackled. Thinking it was Kei. I answered.

To my surprise, It was Kurosa.

Chapter 52

2011-07-25T09:45:00.002-07:00

The morning dawned with a blood red sky. Luna seemed disturbed, as if she had a sense of foreboding. I knew that something would happen today and Kei and I had already donned our battlesuits. We released Erina from captivity but she had already formed an attachment with Luna as her medical doctor and refused to leave. We decided to hide them in a safe place.

As we hid our mobile suits in the sand dunes, reprogrammed to be adaptable for combat in the sand, we saw a few mobile suits, on stealth mode, creeping up slowly on our monitors, a technology newly developed allowing us to detect changes in energy pulses in the air emitted by movements from enemy mobile suits. They must have been sent to retrieve us. We braced ourselves.

We were ready

Chapter 51-Uncertainty

2011-07-24T12:11:00.000-07:00

Everyday, we lived on borrowed time. I knew it was almost time for me to fight for what i believed in. But still, I hesitated. I worried about Luna, and I did not want to lose what I had now with Kei. He had become my lover, my stellar one-sama, my very reason to continue living.

The will to continue fighting was not about revenge anymore. I had already found my Stellar One-sama. She lived in Kei. In his memories, his thoughts, in his heart. It could never be otherwise. By combining her existence with Kei, they had become one persona. Occasionally i'd catch a glimpse of Stellar in Kei, in his mannerisms, even in the way he talks.

I had a dream yesterday night. I dreamt that Stellar one-sama and I were sitting in a field of flowers holding hands. We both plucked a dandelion together and blew, making a wish as each parachute flew away, each carrying a seed of hope within it. We both wished that the world would stay quiet and peaceful forever, that we would not have to fight for our existence.

When I woke up, I realised that it was time for me to move on. Stellar One-sama had moved on. She had been reborn. She would never come back but I would always see her when I was with Kei.

I never wanted to lose those feelings I had forever. I did not want to fight. If only the world would stay this quiet and peaceful. But we were on the run. Anytime we would be discovered. Luna seemed aware that we were troubled because she would sit up close to me and rest her head on my shoulder whenever I felt troubled about our circumstances.

We are currently on stealth mode, near the outskirts of a desert town. Our mobile suits are currently hidden behind a large formation of rocks. It is scheduled to have a sand storm some time tommorrow and that is the time when we will be on the move again. It is easier to travel undetected during a sandstorm because many of the EFSF mobile suits are not made to travel purely on sand.

About my decision...I decided to wait...let...tommorrow...decide for me...

Chapter 50-Discovered

2010-11-30T10:04:00.001-08:00

3 years later

Time flies. Within this period of time we have grown to love our home and the peace that surrounded our shores. Luna had slowly begun to emerge out of her shell and became more engaging. But she had changed for good. Never would she be the same girl with the wise eyes that I have known. Now, in place of that there was a quiet and playful demeanour that masked the anguish of losing a loved one. She spent her days gazing at the ocean or teasing Irina.

Irina had found a way to wean me off the POD technology by extracting certain genetics from Kei. The initial process was painful but i soon got accustomed to it. Kei found a job as a driver that carried supplies while i stayed home. Too much exposure to others was dangerous for us.

As the battle between EFSF and ZEON grew more intense, Uncertainty drew closer to our shores. We prepared ourselves for combat within the underground storehouse because we knew that we would be discovered one day.

And we were

During my watch at night, I saw Navy battleships dock at our shores. The next morning. We were surrounded by Battalion 101 from the LoveHammer squadron. I knew we'd been discovered. We were told to surrender but we disabled every single member of the squadron and burned down our base to prevent evidence from being gathered.

Unknowingly, our battle was being watched. We did not notice the lone mobile suit that hid amidst the cover of the thick foliage and slipped away quietly during the intense heat of the battle. It would soon become the biggest plague of our lives

chapter 49

2010-11-02T03:35:00.000-07:00

It has been 6 months since we escaped from EFSF.Erina found a way to wean me off POD technology and I have been living almost like a real human ever since. Relapses have not been frequent even though further experiments still could not really determine my source or the reason for my memories.

We are now staying in a humble wooden cottage off the coast of West Africa. Kei, using his knowledge as an engineer, built an underground base, housing the mobile suits out of sight. THe ground would only activate and open up during an emergency.
Luna is doing fine, but still she is not her usual self anymore. She contents herself with staring out into the sea in silence. Erina is running tests on whether she could be cured or not.

Sometimes, we live in the fear that our peace is short lived. The wars between Zeon and EFSF have grown more intense expanding the borders of the war frontiers. We knew that one day, we would be discovered.

Kei and I changed our appearance so that we would not be recognized so easily.I grew out my fringe and he changed his hair color.Recently, Kei is smiling a lot more often.

Editor's note-character faces released!

2010-11-01T22:34:00.001-07:00

recently I found a facemaker application and I decided to create anime faces to match our characters!

Reiko when she first joined EFSF

Kei when he first met Reiko

Luna

Loki before he died

Stellar one-sama as Reiko remembers her

The facemaker had its limitations but I think it is pretty well programmed! You guys can try it out here
http://foxrichards.deviantart.com/art/FaceMaker-52755515

Cheers!
*frazzled editor who still has university readings to do

chapter 48-flight

2010-11-01T22:21:00.000-07:00

We finally broke out after a painful fight. Due to my hesitance to kill my opponents whom I had afterall fought together with before, I merely incapitated their mobile suits so they were unable to fight.

After a few waves of enemies, I finally saw Kei approaching from a distance.He carried with him a POD, and according to him, Erina was on board with him as a "kidnapped victim". He had taken her away with him, wanting her to research on the cure to dependance on POD technology. A detached POD was dangling from one of Wolfsbane's arms.

We broke out of the horde of mobile suits, theirs no match for our new ones and sped off into the horizon.

It was later, in the quiet clearing of a heavily sheltered rainforest that he told me the whole story.The rain was gently falling down in quiet droplets of water.Kei related that Alpha had aided his escape.She had apparently disabled the security features in the facility to buy him time.The last thing she told him in the lab was:"This is the last time I'll help you.The next time you are here.I won't be Alpha anymore.Go before I change my mind."She then staggered away slowly, almost as if she was in pain.

Why did Alpha help us?These questions were burning in my mind.But we had no time right now.We had to go to a faraway place to hide since we were now fugitives from the EFSF.

recently I realised, I have not really been dreaming about my past, or about Stellar one-sama. Have I changed that much?

chapter 47-The escape

2010-11-01T10:16:00.000-07:00

2 weeks later....

It was time to leave. We sensed a tension within Alpha that was threatening to boil over.We knew it was not safe to delay any further.

In the dead of night, I stole Luna out of her room, telling her to be quiet.Somehow, somewhere in her dulled mind, she must have understood, for she kept quiet all the way.

We met Kei at the docks and the mood was heavy.Once the suits were activated, the alarm for security breach would sound and there would be no turning back.I regretted not being able to say goodbye to Komori and Kurosa, but things had to be done.We both got into our suits, and I gently pushed Luna into Celeste's cockpit and then we activated our mobile suits, bracing ourselves for what was about to come.

chapter 46-bide for time

2010-11-01T10:06:00.000-07:00

we returned to the camp, much to the relief of all.I reported back to Commander Neo and told him that I would be fit for duty within a week. Everyone was convinced that my "discussion" with Kei had convinced me to return.

Kei acted the same as usual, sullen, and distant. I went off to visit Luna and told her of our plans but she just looked at me blankly as usual, without any response. When I saw those empty eyes, I knew I had to take her along with us no matter what.

During that week, we got lucky. Neo showed us 5 prototypes of new mobile suit technology developed by the EFSF.It was created with data that was compiled by DERF SHAYA.DERF was a top engineer in ZEON that followed Komori when they defected to EFSF and he carried with him state of the art knowledge on how to programme the OS of the new mobile suits. He was currently heavily protected, with DERF being his new identity, since ZEON would seek to eliminate him if they knew he defected.He was a classified dead soldier in the ZEON database, thanks to Komori's intervention.

The new mobile suits had self recharging capabilities, utilizing elemental power from the surroundings.It had also built in power recycling capabilities, making the machine virtually invincible in its usage.It could still overheat, but no longer would we need to waste time recalling our manpower to the mothership to recharge during battle.currently, the prototypes were being tested and NEO had designated one to me and one to Kei.Kei's was called Wolfsbane and mine was called Celeste.

This was perfect.With the new mobile suits all we needed to worry about was how to steal the POD technology away from the medical facility, while incurring the least casualties possible when we had to fight our way thru

chapter 45-The choice

2010-10-31T10:18:00.001-07:00

Kei and I now had a choice.With our mobile suits that ran on technology which needed constant refueling and my need for constant POD technology refueling, we needed to find a way to survive, if we were to leave the facility together.

Although I did not have One-Sama back, Having her living through Kei was more than enough for me.Kei had already told me about Alpha's plan.We had to leave.

We made plans to return to the facility and act as if nothing has happened and then, under the cover of darkness, Kei would break into the research facility with a mobile suit and steal off with the POD technology.I would have to cover for him using my mobile suit.

But first, caution.Or else, death

chapter 44-Diary Entries of Alpha Zieghler

2010-10-31T10:15:00.000-07:00

I'm losing my sanity, slowly as i speak, i can feel the darkness closing in...I"m losing more of myself...

Alpha, isit me? Am I Alpha? the same respected doctor that graduated from the 21st military academic medical facility, the head of the medical centre?

i cant think, not straight, head hurts.no one i can tell...

they musn't know he's taking over....
this is the last time i'll probably be posting before he....

comes

chapter 43

2010-05-29T12:16:00.001-07:00

After the match we sat at the cliff edge,Me leaning on Kei's shoulder and him holding me tenderly.The wind blew gently through the leaves in the trees,ruffling my hair.

finally i spoke."how long was it since you knew?Did you know?"

he looked at me in the eye for awhile before replying "yes i did.I knew from the very time i laid eyes on you.I just didn't want to love you.I didn't want to let this girl stellar that i did not even know control my emotions and how i truly felt.But one day i realised;It wasn't about Stellar anymore.I liked you for myself."

He kept silent for awhile,then he went on;"the chip might give you the memories of it's previous owner but it wont own your emotions unless u allow it to.MY heart was always mine to control."

Then he finally told me.Alpha was evil

chapter 42

2010-05-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

Luna would never recover.She now spent her days staring blankly in space, refusing to eat and not talkin to anyone.The only person she'd allow to feed her was me and she'd only talk to me coherently.To everyone else she has just plain gone mad.It was with her that i spent my days with.

She reminded me so much of Stellar One-chan my heart went out to her.I believe tho that my sister was strong till the end because she had no one to lose.In fact, I was to blame for her death.I would never forgive myself for that.

With this thought in mind, my resolve strengthened.Alone in the plains,I trained day after day until one day..

He appeared.

Kei came out through the clearing in a mobile suit.Emotionlessly, he challenged me to a death duel.

And so it went

Halfway through,i stabbed his mobile suit's abdomen but he ejected himself out of the mobile suit,used his mobile suit to grip mine and set it to self destruct.

I ejected myself out and he pounced on me holding a knife to my throat.

for a minute i thought i was looking death in the eye and then i started.

because i saw stellar one-chan

Chapter 41-Seclusion

2010-03-08T21:18:00.000-08:00

Despite my confusion over Kei's behavior,and everyone's opposition, i did leave.In the end it was just medical leave though.I knew i was being a disappointment to my sister's memory but i felt i needed a break to get my act back together again.

Kei was still upset but not half as bad as it was only medical leave.Now whenever i see a Gundamn cockpit i long to touch it but somehow i just cant.Something would hold me back;a fear, that something bad would happen.

I am turning soft...from the independant person i once was,i am developing feelings for the others around me, those who care..

Luna herself hasnt been stable.They dispatched them both on a mission and the two of them got ambushed.Luna barely escaped.Loki pushed her out of the way and died in her place.Ever since, she has been mental.They kept her in the hospital ward for awhile till she gets over her grief.

and Kei,the guy that recently started dominating my thoughts, he never explained to me why he kissed me or what he was thinking.But he was noticeably looming behind me more often these days.Wherever i went, he was usually never far away.Was he worried?

Author's note on Chapter 40

2010-01-15T11:19:00.001-08:00

YES I KNOW IT"S FUCKING MUSHY THE "HE KISSED ME" BIT.

Anyway for your information let me remind you this is a fanfic. a fanfic created by a girl with an overactive imagination.

AND IF U DIDNT KNOW. THERE ARE KISSING AND ROMANCE SCENES IN GUNDAM SERIES OK!!!

* super paiseh author

chapter 40-Reiko's Delimma

2010-01-15T11:03:00.000-08:00

i lost one of my men during 2 skirmishes in the Himalayas. We were sent there to push back the Zeon troops who were ready to march into our territory.It was then, i realised without a doubt that i was losing my touch.

something had changed within me since the last few mths i had joined EFSF. Somehow, i felt that Kei was to blame for my performance deterioration. I had to do something about it.

Komori was away in Zeon territory conducting an infiltration exercise under the guise of a Zeon soldier named MADAO (who names their child that!!) and i really miss his guidance. Now me and Kurosa are left behind. Kurosa got promoted to Corporal recently and at his current performance level, i forsee him rising to sergeant soon. By then, i'll probably be alone.

i sent in a request to Commander Neo at HQ to request to be posted somewhere else far away from all i know right now. i felt, that i needed a retreat, where i could hone my skills without any familiar inteference.

my request was met with major opposition.Neo felt i was just going thru an "burnout" due to my team's casualty and arranged for military leave for me, Kurosa thought i was an idiot, and Kei lost his temper and ran out of the Medical Facility during his medical checkup to confront me.

i refused to explain anything to him. Instead we ended up getting into an all out physical duel because he refused to let me go.

the next thing i knew, i was down on the floor unable to run anywhere. I had trained him too well....

and then he kissed me.....

chapter 39-life in the desert

2010-01-13T12:11:00.000-08:00

ever since kei was hospitalised. i haven been thinking straight. Battles have been badly lost, i have not been leading my men right, and i have been screwing up battle plans. thank god there's no casualties or else my dream of avenging Stellar One-Chan will fly down the drain

damn what isit about him that captivates me? why do i like him? why am i getting distracted when i am supposed to have stellar One-sama and only her in my heart?

all my battles, from the desert to the forest have been terribly performed. Kurosa commented i was fighting more on raging instinct then on cool intellect.

i know it's only been a few days and he'll be discharged 2moro. but it feels like eternity. technically he could have been discharged 1 day after entering the medical facility but Erina wanted to keep him for observation for a few more days.that day when i saw him, he was aslp but he woke up when he heard me and for the first time,

he smiled

chapter 38- memories of the battlefield

2009-12-15T22:10:00.000-08:00

as i ran down the corridor, memories of what had happened that day in the battlefield slowly came back in flashes

"we were to be sent to 3 different locations underground to seal off any Zeon attempts to infiltrate the area closest to the base. platoon 1 covered the vent to prevent Zeon sneak attacks. Kurosa led Platoon 5 underwater to cut off Zeon's escape and i led the full frontal assault team to the middle. Komori led the long range team to a high area to offer support

the onslaught was fierce. Zeon had been well prepared for this attack. this base location was important to them and they wanted to monopolise it at all costs.

we had destroyed many Zeon enemies when suddenly , the monster appeared.

large, highly defensive with lightning fast ammo drawing power and mobility, i was quickly overpowered and that was when Kei braved the line of fire to get me out of the field. Kurosa And Komori were able to hold him off but with difficulty.

this must have been the same monster that destroyed almost all of platoon 1.

that was the last thing i knew b4 everything went black"

i then threw open the door to where the POD was located.

chapter 37-defeat

2009-12-15T18:40:00.000-08:00

when i awakened, i was alone, on the bed in the medical facility of one of the EFSF bases.Izumi Erina, the head doctor in the medical facility was at one corner, reading the vital stats of another patient.

when i went up close, i realised it was a heavily injured EFSF soldier; another casualty on the battlefield.

but, when i tried to recall what it was that happened, i only felt a dull ache in my temple.

on further inquiry, Erina told us that one of the EFSF underground bases had been attacked by the Zeon forces. platoon 1, 3 and 5 had been sent down to counteract the invasion of Zeon forces. Platoon 1 had almost been entirely wiped out, most of the platoon 3-5 members were surviving, albeit with heavy casualties. many of them were currently in intensive care.

Komori and Kurosa had also been injured and were receiving medical treatment, but as their injuries had not been serious they had been discharged from the ward to their own bunks.

Kei was still hospitalised as he had taken serious damage, apparently trying to get me out of the battlefield. i had passed out after trying to take down many enemy mobile suits while having my own suit seriously damaged by enemy fire.

my POD had been shifted down from another base due to the fact that they would be deploying me to this new base for awhile. it was largely due to that that my life was saved.

currently the EFSF base was still holding out, due to the fact that the Zeon forces had suffered heavy losses on their side too.

Kei was the one recuperating in my POD now. without the POD technology, he could still survive, but his recovery rate would have been much slower.

i discussed with Erina wether she could run some studies on possibilities of weaning me off the POD technology, as she was almost as capable as Doctor Alpha at neurological Science, and then ran off to see Kei.

chapter 36- undercurrents

2009-12-09T22:19:00.001-08:00

kei seems troubled of late. ever since he returned from his recent medical checkup with doctor alpha, he has been even more brooding and quiet.

it wasnt his usual silence where he just sat around sullenly, but more of a dark quiet fear.

something told me that he was frightened, but knowing Kei, what could he have to fear?

it must be something formidable indeed. can it be then that i was right and that Alpha is indeed plotting something? much more then must lie beyond that pretty face facade she's showing the EFSF

chapter 35-understudy

2009-12-07T21:48:00.000-08:00

kei has come far since the first time i met him. in the short span of time since he first joined into the EFSF, he has already been promoted to first class private; definitely faster thenn me when i first enlisted.

since i was recently finally promoted to a corporal, i now hold the same rank as Komori ( there's talk that he will be promoted to sergeant soon). therefore i am now officially able to train others under me.

for now Lieutenant Marko holsteen via Officer Regis has assigned Kei back to me again officially as my understudy. strangely enough kei seems to have toned down as his hostility to me is decidely muted and not as apparent now. maybe training under Regis has thought him a thing or two!

i was talking to ZZL today and more and more i'm convinced that something about him disturbs me.

his voice, he claims we have never met b4 but i remember hearing his voice, a long time ago, somewhere within my memories

and his eyes, his face seems friendly when he's talkin to you but something bout him tells me his eyes have seen the bloody remnants of war and he himself has bathed in the rivers of blood that ran in battle.

he is a dangerous one. but who is he?

chapter 34- Diary Entries of Alpha Zieghler

2009-12-07T20:53:00.000-08:00

and slowly, as the clock hand turns, it all falls into place

soon, it will be time for my creation, my life's blood to prove that he is indeed the supreme being.

and the very first thing i'll let him do is to utterly defeat that prototype; that pathetic object that the EFSF troops found on their forage thru the ruins of the old side 7 laboratories.

Kei, together with the memory chip of the best extend in Generation 1, will make a fearsome combination just yet. and if he will not cooperate...i will make him cooperate.let them all see what i am capable of!

chapter 33-Rage

2009-12-07T01:31:00.000-08:00

Rage
a very potent thing isnt it?
when one is consumed by rage,
it envelopes you in a bloody red cloud and threatens to engulf all,
destroying everything in it's path

as the victim and harbinger of rage,
one should think i understand all
but i don't

Sorrow
the manifestation of intense pain that one feels in their hearts
it makes you see things that arent there
feel things that dun exist
and it can make you hate

Happiness
the opposing entity of sorrow
or isit?
of all three, the most fleeting of emotions but yet
the one that is most desired to be felt of all the three
the most transient, and some would say,
the most beautiful

but of all the three emotions
there is only a very thin line,
before the ice cracks
to hatred, bitterness and insanity

which ultimately leads to
DEATH

The Diary of Reiko Ayumu

Chapter 32-despair

2009-12-04T11:38:00.000-08:00

they promoted me to Class A due to outstanding performance in battle. apparently, i snapped under tremendous pressure and went on a massacre. the superiors felt that i should be taken out in Rengeki Extend and placed under Class A where the specialists and high ranking soldiers were...

to be honest i should have been happy but i wasnt. although i hated to admit it, i was beginnning to feel at home in platoon combination 3 where i had begun to make friends. i should have been happy to climb up the ladder to avenge my sister, but the sting of losing her was lessening with the company of dear friends.

i shouldnt be feeling this way when i should be loyal to my sister's memory.

the confusion is driving me insane..

and the other reason is him....

i hate to admit it but....i think i am falling for him, to the point i cant bear lookin at him and yet i cant bear not being able to see him

but i dun want to like a person like him.he's a liability, a distraction,

and he hates me

i probably dun deserve him anyway, he's too good for me and he probably wont look twice at me.

i missed platoon 3 so much that i actually screwed up real bad on one of my Class A recon missions. part of the reason was also due to the fact i was not used to the GM command mobile suit, whose artillery power i felt wasnt substantial enough to make a full out attack.

after that incident , the higher ups reevaluated my situation and decided to demote my class, placing me back in Rengeki Exend again, but not before promoting me to Corporal in recognition to my contributions in the battlefield.

was i relieved? maybe, but i also felt an inward loneliness, that somehow, even though i called, even though they mite be here with me, they werent there with me..there was a cold silence within me that surrounded my inner being like a wall,

i could call and call and no one would answer.

chapter 31-evaluation 3

2009-11-29T19:16:00.000-08:00

confidential Report to Side 7 Headquarters. Addressed to Commander Neo

Report No 3

Status reports of military personnel :

lance Corporal Reiko Ayumu:
LC Reiko has gone a long way since the last evaluation that was sent. shortly after she was promoted to First class Private, she was once again promoted, this time to Lance corporal. i can forsee her being promoted to corporal rank very soon. in fact, her superior Corporal Komori is highly for it. but until we have enough validation to do it, she'll have to remain at this rank.

Reiko's aptitude for combat is very good, and her mental stability in battle has smoothened out a lot. but she tends to get moody recently. judging from her recent behavior, she does not interact as much with even her fellow members from the rengeki extend; and enjoys working alone more often these days.

she also seems to have problems with Rookie Kei Arukawa. the both of them do not get along well even after some time of interaction. only recently, do they seem to have grown more tolerant of each other.

the only other soldier i see her interact with is Luna, one of our top performing combatants.

we will need to train her human relationship skills if we want to see to her promotion, or there'll be no reason to justify her promotion other then outstanding performance in combat.

Corporal Komori:
Corporal Komori has also been promoted recently to a Corporal and is soon to be promoted to sergeant once he hits the minimum requirements needed to be a sergeant.

Komori has recently switched being frontline backup to midrange-longrange backup. it appears that this vocation is more suited for him as he performs much better in battle, making many hits and even destroying the enemy bases.

currently Reiko is offering frontline support, with Kurosa still leading the battalion.

Lance Corporal Kurosa:
Now promoted to LAnce Corporal, Kurosa's performance have not disappointed us thus far. up to date, Kurosa is one of the younger, inexperienced personnel that has attained many achievements in battle that other older, more experienced soldiers have not achieved yet.

Kurosa is being monitored to see if he can be set up for an even higher leadership position.

written by lieutenant Marko Holsteen of Side 7 facility
Labels: November 09

chapter 30-journey to the himalayas

2009-11-27T11:11:00.000-08:00

it was easy enough to blend in the population in china, and the countryside was beautiful. but, it was so cold...so different from the laboratories i was used to back in the compound days, the cold and stingin winds could numb your fingers stiff.

as expected i was given a Gm Command to use. i was totally unused to it. the mobility was alright i guess? but it had no grenade launcher, just 2 pathetic machine guns.which irritated the shit outta me. i was so tempted to run back and get it but it was back at base and i wasnt allowed to. in fact the travel craft we went in was a small one used for stealth missions and wasnt able to carry so many mobile suits. the other reason for them giving me the GM command was because it was lighter and more popular for stealth missions.

our investigations carried us from the Densely populated city Beijing to the harsh cold reaches of the Himalayas where a large but obscure Zeon base was discovered.

from there we launched an attack. Kurosa and Komori were sent there as backup suddenly without my knowledge.apparently after we sent back our findings to base. Kurosa and KOmori were rushed down to the location.

Kei was damn pissed with me when i almost got caught in enemy fire and Gunned down. after we managed to escape their base and make our way back to our own base to retrieve our mobile suits, he actually grabbed my arms and shook me really hard.
i was caught by surprise and did not know how to react honestly.

recently i've been wondering what's with his bizzare behavior......

anyway, we beat the shit outta the enemy.sadly we did not destroy their base but at least with their current losses, it'll take a while for their troops to recuperate.

i'm surprised that it was easier to work with Kei then expected. he doesnt say much

chapter 29- Secret mission to china

2009-11-09T08:07:00.000-08:00

5 more days and counting to my secret mission in china.i'm supposed to go there and spy on suspected Zeon activity in the region and dispatch enemies if necessary.

Kei will be coming along with me as my bodyguard. crap. of all the people they had to send, they sent Kei. why didnt they just send the annoying Kurosa or the even Komori.

i will never be able to focus with him around. worse still, we'll probably be fighting half the time about the way things are done.

dammit! I'M THE ONE IN CHARGE HERE! he better not jeopardise my mission or i'll make sure he'll be put down or something!

this is my very first official mission and what more, i'm being sent to a faraway place. i'm pretty concerned if something happens
how will my evaluation statement be compromised...hmmmm

now currently waiting for my mobile suit to be fully equipment and updated. i might be retraining myself with a GM Command soon. because i have already hit maximum potential with my current mobile suit.

chapter 28- memories of stellar

2009-11-08T08:12:00.000-08:00

" Rei Chan whenever you're scared, lonely or frightened, just talk to me.....stellar One- sama will be there for you...always..."

this was what stellar one-sama always said to me whenever i was feeling down to lift me up

and then she sang me the lullaby that she always sang to me back in the days we both stayed at the facility.....so beautiful her voice...the one that taught me how to sing...

reaching for clock hands
time passes by and
doll goes to sleep again
sleep now my darling
hush little child
encased for eternity

when i reached for her warm hands i realised....it had all been a dream...and back i was in my POD again....

why did i dream this dream again? i had stopped dreaming it for a long long time already

chapter 27-confinement

2009-11-08T08:05:00.000-08:00

once again i awoke to find myself in the POD. apparently Alpha had been testing POD deprivation on me again.

somehow it made me frightened. what were the EFSF planning to do with me? what if i die before my time? before i manage to do anything?

yet i couldnt do anything to them, i was helpless without the POD technology to sustain my life.

i also found out from Luna that Kei was currently locked up in the detention dark room in the base. apparently he was so incensed when he found out i was POD deprived again that he assaulted the assistant researcher in the laboratory. they are currently confining and possibly charging him for inflicting bodily harm to another EFSF personnel.

i went to see him and brought some food to him...but he refused to talk to me....

what is with this guy anyway? why would he even care? or isit just for his own self gratification or even fear that he's doing this?

chapter 26- confidential diary entries of Alpha Zieghler

2009-11-08T07:57:00.000-08:00

i'm planning on putting Reiko thru another POD starvation test, to see how much she can take before she reaches the brink of death.this is to see how much she can be expended before she is unable to be used in battle in places where access to a POD is limited.

Neo must not know about this. if he does, i'll just tell him it's a test plan gone awry.

i'm also waiting for Kei's evaluation to come back from Officer Regis. If all goes well, i shall pit his combat skills once again against Reiko's, just to see how good my creation is. no matter if they live or die. if they are so weak then they are expendable

and so,....it begins...

then i shall have my revenge!

chapter 25-deprivation

2009-11-07T07:25:00.000-08:00

i have to say, being deprived of the POD for a week is no joke. i feel like hell now.

today i was on the battlefield and according to all the superiors observing my combat progress, i performed the best that they've ever seen of me in my whole history of recon missions.

i only know that my head hurt, till everything was a blur and i dealt major damage to the entire team.even kurosa was shocked at the speed at which i destroyed the enemy

the nexxt thing i knew, i was awake and in my POD. according to Luna, i had staggered out of my POD saying that my head didnt hurt anymore and then passed out half an hour later when i touched down at base.

Luna was was very concerned. she kept asking what had happened to me. i couldnt tell her it was because of POD deprivation. Kurosa and Komori were fine but they were tired and were resting in their bunks

according to Alpha, Kei had popped by for awhile to see me while i was still unconscious but had left the moment i woke up. were things really that bad?

i'm so tired...if not for Stellar One-Sama i would not be doing such a thing just to please the whims and fancies of that crazy Alpha

i'm not even sure what are their intentions for doing all this to me...

i'm damn tired wonder how much longer i can take this...stellar one-sama give me strength

chapter 25-identity?

2009-11-06T09:02:00.000-08:00

i was promoted today. to a lance corporal. finally i'm beginning to climb the ladder of accomplishments Stellar One-Sama. I promised i would do you proud and i will.

It happened after Rengeki Exgend succesfully completed a mission. But it wasnt easy though, the enemies were pretty tough and numerous possibly due to the fact they might be aware that such an elite team exists.

anyways, i'm handing over Kei Arukawa to the care of Zen Regis, an officer that works directly under Commander Neo.
since my basic training unofficial training was more or less complete, it was time that he trained officially under a seasoned officer for the EFSF.

the day i saw to his transfer, i saw his eyes flash briefly with a faint tinge of something strange. regret? but it was quickly replaced by a smug smile on his face.

God i was glad to see him go finally...but somehow...even though i've only interacted with him a short period of time, it feels, quiet around here...too quiet...

another thing that worries me is, a few days back a new captain called ZZL transfered into our platoon.....he's really nice and friendly to everyone but yet...i get the feeling something's not right.....he talks alot but he doesnt give out information about himself. and yet he's good at digging information out at others....and the worse thing is....during our platoon 3 mass recon mission i felt there was something familiar about his fighting style but i cant put a finger on it yet.....

now let me try and remember...who the hell is he?

chapter 24-recapture

2009-11-05T08:51:00.000-08:00

we had a major argument today, he hand brushed against mine when i was showing him the right techniques to pilot a mobile suit. i told him i hated people touching me. he said i was just some spoilt child that needed to be taken in hand. he then presumed to use whatever combat skills he had on me to own the shit outta me.

i dun need a little squirt like him to presume to know what he's doing! it doesnt feel good tho to know deep down that he has in actual fact already surpassed me in terms of hand to hand combat.

i don't understand him at all, sometimes he's different towards me, almost tender, but most of the time he's angry and hateful.
like we went to town today after some training ( his suggestion) and some hooligans actually had the audacity to try to get fresh with me...i didnt even have the time to make the move and he finished them off for me.

the expression on his face, that dark furious anger, was something i had never seen b4. yet after that he changed back to the Kei i knew again, hateful, familiar, and resentful.

well i don't care. i hate him myself, because he is distracting. when i am supposed to be thinkin of stellar One-Chan and how to avenge her death my thoughts drift to him...

kei....what an interesting name...

does he even know that i'm actually thinking about him? he'll probably hate me more right?

why am i such a fool?

chapter 23-training

2009-11-03T07:26:00.000-08:00

the training begins.....surprisingly he is agile and deft....with the keen intelligence of a hawk.
if not for me knowing he was a rookie i could have sworn he was a well seasoned fighter..

his usage of the mobile suit was a little clumsy...but no matter for a first timer....everyone is clumsy

i can feel him watching me when my back is turned...his eyes boring straight into my back...looking at me with sympathy....

pity? i don't need it. give it to someone else who does...

but yet sometimes his eyes flash with what? anger? pride? helplessness at being left in a situation where he was entitled to obey my commands?

he is good and definitely more perfect then i would have ever been and i hate him for it. i hate everything that he is associated with...

the good thing is that my performance is improving by leaps and bounds. right now i am already leading small groups of troops out to battle on my own despite my low rank in the military due to the fact my accomplishments in battle have been recognised.

today a small mission in the canyon was extremely succesful with me killing off most of the enemy.. i hope this continues on...

right now at this crucial point in time i need to prove myself

chapter 22-fascination

2009-11-03T07:08:00.000-08:00

they summoned me to Neo's office today, and i saw him again......the silver eyed one......
his name? Kei...Kei Arukawa.........

i saw him and at first glance i hated him....somehow when he looked into my eyes something flashed in his eyes,,...realization? recognisation? but i've never seen him in my entire life. or was it derision? did he know who i was and despised me for it?

did he know that he was the first " success" to the EFSF research and developement whereas i was just a failure?

i know..because...Alpha told me.....that he was created to be...the second generation of hope to the future...to help when help was needed...he said..." they have even better plans for me with the creation of the 2nd generation and that i'll grow to like him"

lies....all lies.....and i hate him for that i hate him for everything...i know my time is getting shorter and the walls are closing in on me...i cant breathe......

and yet they want me to train him...to kill me personally one day? honestly i dunno....
yet i need to survive...i need to live....

chapter 23-eyes of silver

2009-11-02T08:22:00.000-08:00

who the hell are you? the one with the silver eyes, that look at me as if you are staring into my soul.

somehow i feel, as if you can understand me, understand what i am going thru..even though i don't know you...yet u seem to know me?

i hate the feeling that i find you beautiful, as beautiful as my Stellar One-chan but no. i cannot allow myself to forget her...to forget what she was to me...

and so i must hate you, for who and whatever u are...because u are making me forget about her

chapter 22-Kei

2009-11-02T07:35:00.000-08:00

Medical/ Scientific Report from EFSF Side 7 Laboratories:

Project Extend Generation B was a success, despite the multiple failure rates.
we managed to create one surviving Extended Male, who is the first survivor of the new generation;
the only difference being that he was not genetically modified from the womb but rather, a young male with modifications made to his brain during an intensive 18 hour operation by our top neurologists. his dependancy on the POD technology is almost -nil-
this was to cater to the fact that time is of the essence in this crucial period of war.
very soon he will be put thru tests and training with his combat and overall intellectual and psychomotor skills evaluated.

i have high hopes for this new prototype GB-001 Code Name: Kei Arukawa
if he is good i will send him to Rengeki extend for extended training.

studies, monitored, recorded and reported by Miss Alpha zieghler, head researcher of the Side 7 laboratories.

chapter 21-Fear of Fall

2009-11-02T07:22:00.000-08:00

I totally screwed up big time today, was supposed to be called back for an important recon mission but my chip malfunctioned today and i had to get it fixed. in the end my officer was pissed.

what if Commander Neo finds out? what if he finally decides i'm just a liability and throws me away? yes i am a failed prototype that was not destroyed when i should have thanks to Stellar One-Chan. but, i know what i am and what i am not. i cant die before i destroy KC2 and avenge Stellar One-chan.

something's up i know it, zieghler is probably creating new prototypes. even an idiot knows that with the numerous amount of tests she has put me thru. they are probably planning to scrape me off soon. i need to do something and soon.

Reiko needs to prove her worth or else.....

chapter 20-Generation Beta

2009-11-01T18:22:00.000-08:00

Medical/ Scientific Report from EFSF Side 7 Laboratories:

after research and analysis by the Bio-genetics department and the neurology department, new findings on the DNA type of Prototype 64350 have been discovered. Right now the team is working on duplicating and modifying the blueprints of this DNA to be used in the new generation of EXTENDS.

once the modifications to the DNA is complete project Extend GEneration Beta will commence. we are working on trying to create Male Extends instead of the usual female. during our studies conducted in the remains of the resources and materials left behind in R31, we realized that somehow the male anatomy was not able to adapt well to the genetic modifications made. In the end, most of the Extends that survived the longest were women.

we are planning to rectify this situation and make improvements so that the male anatomy will be able to be modified. with the stronger anatomy of the male, if this project is a success we might be able to produce an even better generation of ExTends.

we are currently extracting the mental data of the extends that was left in one of the surviving R31 Resource files. The Memory data chosen for our very first successful creation will be that of one of the extends that performed the best in combat during the R31 testing period. i understand that this Extend is no longer alive, and that will prevent complications in the future of 2 Prototypes with duplicate consciousness showing up.another aspect we will improve on is the undependance on the POD technology in battle so as to maximise their usages in battle in places where the POD technology is inaccessible.

this concludes my findings on the research of Extend technology so far

studies, monitored, recorded and reported by Miss Alpha zieghler, head researcher of the Side 7 laboratories.

chapter 20- stella Artois

2009-10-30T11:37:00.000-07:00

Dear One-Chan, today i drank beer with Kurosa and we chatted for abit.today is your Death anniversary and i thought i should just toast you with a beer or two. it has been a long week.

today there was a major crisis when we were supposed to be sent out on a mission. but the team was held back due to the fact Corporal Komori went missing. as the focal point of rengeki extend, we would be unable to be mobilized until he was found.

in the end, only me and kurosa went on the mission. it was successful with us entirely decimating the zeon forces.

Komori appeared 4 hours later. apparently he had been given permission by the higher ups to take urgent leave for family matters but our immediate supervisors had not been contacted yet about the circumstances.HE HAD ME WORRIED SICK. they were almost about to charge him for AWOL status.

i'm feeling really mellow right now because the Stellar Artois is kicking in....whew...

chapter 19- Luna

2009-10-28T00:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Stellar One-chan,

i met a girl today called Luna, the one they said with eyes of silver and skin as fair as the moonlight. Before i joined platoon no 3, she was the only girl in the platoon and they said she is very famous in the whole of side 7 for her beauty and her elegance in battle. she is one of the most fearsome fighters in battle, having been able to destroy a 100 enemy mobile suits within a few days.

With her was this guy called Loki, apparently her lover from platoon 3 also. Loki had Red eyes and they said he was called Loki due to his Demonlike killing technique on the battlefield. Apparently his eyes glow as he returns from battle, in a very intense blood red color.

together, they made a very beautiful couple. Luna was quiet and refined as a person, having a very gentle personality. Loki was brooding and overprotective, having a tendency to hover over Luna.

we got to know each other personally today while platoon 3 was having a recon mission to rescue Earth citizens in Side 7 from attacking Zeon forces. our mission was to evacuate the civilians. I was in Luna's team and Komori was in Loki's team. Before this mission, i have went on a few recon missions with platoon 3 but due to my involvement in Rengeki Extend, i have no had a chance to properly get to know many of the people in platoon 3. the only other friend that i had worked with before was Rei in Platoon 3 ; but he was promoted to a higher rank shortly after and because of that i did not get to see him often these days.

know what One-Chan? reiko thinks that Luna reminds me of you, she's so caring and big sisterish. she's cool like you too!so confident and competent in battle. but in real person, she's so gentle! i would never have believed someone like her would have destroyed so many mobile suit in battle. she loves flowers; especially the white lily you know?

but i think one-chan is still better; one-chan is so vibrant and full of life, and you were deaf and she isnt. in fact, i wonder how you completed your missions successfully with only hearing aids as guides. did your extra sensory perception help also?

i like moon. think you would have too.

Chapter 18- Fear

2009-10-25T11:34:00.000-07:00

Stellar One-Chan,

Reiko had a bad dream today, i dreamt that we were running away from the compound and they caught us and punished you for taking me along. and after that you died.

Reiko is scared again, i don't want to die in battle. Neither do i want to die b4 i take revenge.

i'm scared that they'll get rid of me and make better EXTENDS.

Kurosa thinks i'm crazy and Komori cant help me.....

i'm lonely without you here, there's no one to trust and i always believed friends don't last forever.i'm almost damn sure now that i have a shelf life and that i will not live as long as a normal human being. i also overheard Zieghler mentioning that they are beginning the experiments for the new generation of extendeds....

Reiko fears the worst. I will have to kill them all to get outta this place...

Don't worry. Reiko has become stronger now, i will get out if i need to. for now i need to prove my worth, my existence.

Reiko will find out what happened to you, Stellar ONe-Chan, Reiko won't disappoint you...

one day we will all live together in a big white house ok?

no one will die anymore

Chapter 17-Stellar One-Chan

2009-10-24T10:22:00.000-07:00

i always admired Stellar One-Chan, she was so tall, strong and beautiful...and she knew everything about the world that Reiko did not know about...
she looked so elegant during combat training and Reiko has never seen her cry
She always took care of me and made sure i didnt cry...even when it hurt so much....
everything hurt...the training....the experiments...the place was beautiful though....once upon a time i thought that that was how the world looked like...
it was only when i got outta the compound that i realised that there's alot more to this world....
but the world can be an ugly place sometimes.....it's scary....

don't worry One-chan, i can look after myself now...Reiko is all grown up.

chapter 16-Neo's Off Day, Reiko on Guard Duty ( filler Ep)

2009-10-24T10:20:00.000-07:00

WTH WHY MUST I KENNA GUARD DUTY???!!! of all the lousy things to give me...must they give me GUARD DUTY JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE SHORT OF MAN POWER?? BAAAAARRRSKET.......It's the Regimental Police's Job to do Guard Duty!!!damn...

in the first place, females much less a pilot, should be be doing Guard duty, just because that idiot officer who came in doesnt know shit...AND WHY THE HELL MUST NEO BE ON OFF TODAY?!! I WANNA COMPLAIN TO THE DIRECTOR!!

basket i dun even have a guard dog and i hate sandflies!

i'm sleepy....haven slept for more then 36 hours due to all that Chaos going on...those Zeon bastards.........
I wanna sleeeeep....

Fine! I WILL MASTER THE ART OF SLEEPING WITH MY EYES OPEN!

is this expression convincing enough?

chapter 15- The Storm rages on

2009-10-24T05:47:00.000-07:00

The Storm Rages on
OMG.The enemy was strong today, i almost lost control in battle to those Zeon Bastards. Neo gave Komori a new mid range mobile suit to use, but he was still getting used to the OS and set up, so he was fighting as the support team. Kurosa almost died on the battle field today. i barely made it out also.
we won though, but this is still a small victory in a sea of bloodshed...and in the end.....a bloody sea of tears will fall.....

KC 2...i was looking for him...but it seems that he didnt appear.....WHERE THE HELL IS THAT BASTARD.......I WILL FIND HIM AND DESTROY HIM

i will destroy them all...because...i cannot lose

i will avenge the Death of Stellar One- SAma
getting damn tired though.....do lab experiments like me have a shelf life? will i die young?

chapter 14-Anarchy

2009-10-23T11:31:00.000-07:00

2100-2200:
been called out early to report to battle stations at the base near mining town. i'm writing this in a hurry just right b4 i get deployed again.

kurosa and Komori got held up in another mission. and were unable to report for duty. today i'm the only one leading the team. i have to do the platooon proud and lead well...

kudos...

0000-1300:
I finally saw him....for the first time, the chance to have my revenge was so near, when i saw him on my radar ( the man with the slash burn kill technique ) the urge to destroy all was so strong; i couldnt see anything, think anything , feel....

at long last....the man who caused the death of my sister....

I HAD THE CHANCE TO DESTROY HIM! IT WAS SO CLOSE! IF ONLY I WASNT CALLED BACK TO THE SHIP AT THAT INSTANCE! I COULD HAVE WIPED HIM OUT. WHY DID THE MOTHERFUCKERS HAVE TO CALL ME BACK! I HATE THEM I HATE THEM ALL!!!!

It's all kurosa's fault....he shouldnt have stopped me...i could have killed him....killed them all...why did he have to appear all of a sudden? it wasnt his battle, his fight...i was deployed on my own...wth is he doing there alluva sudden.....

i spoke to him...he said he doesnt know who my sister is,,, that he wasnt there...he's lying!!!! that liar...how dare he...

kill them all....i need to kill him.....stellar One-chan.......Reiko misses you....Reiko misses u.....my head hurts...why cant i rmb anything......

Chapter 13- The Unchanged + medical report

2009-10-23T02:04:00.000-07:00

it seems i've been in a coma for a week, the doctors said my respiratory system began to shut down and they had to remove the implants as soon as possible or else i would have died.

currently i am feeling abit weak but the doctors gave the Go ahead in the event i get deployed suddenly. Kurosa and Komori have been really busy. Komori seem to have visited me once but that was about it. Mr blackie on the other hand, only said " fucked up" and that was about it....silent bastard....

if he annoys me any further i'm gonna demand for a transfer.

i'm going to prepare for battle. apparently the enemy ships have been hovering near the mining town the last few days. but they have not made any moves. Kurosa is back at his platoon training his men and Komori is busy with paperwork. i need to be ready in case they are not ready to be deployed in time.

Medical/ Scientific Report from EFSF Side 7 Laboratories.

the implants were removed due to violent rejection by the prototype's T-Cells in her immune system. apparently there was a genetic mechanism built into her body to not just counter any bacterium and virus that could cause illness, but also prevent any changes to be made, thus maintaining her body's homeostasis. This allows her to enjoy near perfect health but could cause a problem should the prototype lose a limb in battle.

we are currently looking into the problem as to how to get around to making her body learn to adapt gently to changes.

another discovery made was that the prototype's Mitochondria in her cells seem to be generating energy at an extremely fast rate, and the prototype's metabolic system is very high, explaining her high recovery and energy in combat. but her cells do not react to oxidation as fast and do not seem to experience the amount of ageing that should be occuring with her cells functioning at this metabolic rate. The Cells seem resistant to the oxidation process that is taking place within it.

after further studies, the hypothesis is that the prototype will age up to maturity, and stop ageing for awhile to maintain her optimum capabilities in combat. But wether The prototype's cells have a shelf life or not we cannot say for sure. There might be a trigger used to destroy the prototype or a key but we were not able to discover it by merely scanning the memory chip in her brain. further extraction might damage the prototype's brain, rendering her incapable of further usage.

currently we are looking into scanning the chip to analyse it's usages and functions, and see if there's a more efficient way to do it

studies, monitored, recorded and reported by Miss Alpha zieghler, head researcher of the Side 7 laboratories.

Chapter 12- Laboratory + medical report

2009-10-21T06:41:00.000-07:00

reiko's Journal :

Still having flu symptoms, i think these implants are not working. honestly even though i have many genetic flaws i don't see the point of implants. i can function just fine with abit of external help.

been feeling like shit the last few days, i cant even be mobilised for battle because of my condition....they better figure out something real soon. i don't want to be scrapped like rubbish.

dammit i need to kill....need to feel my fingers around the controls of my mobile suit cockpit again...what's wrong with these buffoons cant they stop sticking needles and tubes in me.....

sooner or later i'm gonna lose my temper

Medical/ Scientific Report from EFSF Side 7 Laboratories:

In my previous report, it was mentioned that Prototype number Number 64350, was operated on with implants inserted into her body in a bid to improve her overall physical and mental performance. however, we were met with certain problems as her body started rejecting these external parts.

After Monitoring her progress, it is visible that her homeostatic functions is returning back to normal, and that her inflammation is beginning to subside. however, her body is still generating a tremendous excess of mucus causing a blockage in her bronchial area which makes it dangerous for her to go into combat in case respiratory complications arise; and the prototype is beginning to show extreme agitation at being examined.

we are hoping that her recovery shows an adaptation of the external modifications, or else we will be forced to remove the external parts in another surgery to stabilise her current condition.

We have also managed to get a DNA sample of the prototype. hopefully this sample will aid us in our research of creating the new generation of Genetically modified humans with better results

studies, monitored, recorded and reported by Miss Alpha zieghler, head researcher of the Side 7 laboratories.

Chapter 11- reiko's off day ( editor's note)

2009-10-21T06:36:00.000-07:00

SERIOUSLY WHY CANT KOMORI AND KUROSA DO THEIR OWN PAPERWORK!! IS BEAURACRACY PREVALENT IN ALL GOVERNMENT BODIES~!!!

MUST I WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE WRIIIIIIITE!!!!
i cant believe i'm doing all the writing i'm gonna tell the editor man! and the bloody Editor himself is just full of shit! how can the fictional character be the one writing the story and paving the way!! and come on man it's a good thing i'm honest and objective or else i'll just have made myself the most powerful being in the world.

that's it! i'm gonna change the story and make myself the ultimate mobile suit fighter! then no one will dare to oppose me anymore!!! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHH!

OYI EDITOR ARE U DOING YOUR GODDAMN JOB???!

Everytime you Kissed me

2009-10-21T06:13:00.000-07:00

everytime you kissed me
I trembled like a child
gathering the roses
we sang for the hope
your very voice is in my heartbeat
sweeter than my dream
we were there in everlasting bloom
roses die
the secret is inside the pain
winds are high up on the hill
I cannot hear you
come and hold me close
I’m shivering cold in the heart of rain
darkness falls, I’m calling for the dawn
silver dishes for the memories for the days gone by
singing for the promises
tomorrow may bring
I harbour all the old affection
roses of the past
darkness falls, and summer will be gone
joys of the daylight
shadows of the starlight
everything was sweet by your side, my love
ruby tears have come to me for your last words
I’m here just singing my song of woe
waiting for you, my love
[samia mia ii sama tia
disama ia mafia
mistia ii samantia
kastiria ira imenitara]
[morta asore
amorita midora
arta karia imifita midola]
now let my happiness sing inside my dream……….
everytime your kissed me
my heart was in such pain
gathering the roses
we sang of the grief
your very voice is in my heartbeat
sweeter than despair
we were there, in everlasting bloom
underneath the stars
shaded by the flowers
kiss me in the summer day gloom, my love
you are all my pleasure, my hope and my song
I will be here dreaming in the past
untill you come
untill we close our eyes

chapter 10- Evaluation 2

2009-10-21T03:30:00.000-07:00

confidential Report to Side 7 Headquarters. Addressed to Commander Neo

Report No 2

Status reports of military personnel :

First Class Private Reiko Ayumu:

Reiko's academic Progress and combat capabilities in battle have improved tremendously. she has currently been Promoted to first Class Private and is now unofficially training Rookies that have just joined the Side 7 facility in platoon 3 since only personnel with Rank corporal onwards can officially train others. as such, it would still be interesting to see what combat knowledge and Extend like her can impart to our rookies

Currently being part of the Elite Team Rengeki Extend, Which is a three man formed solely for Emergency high priority Recon missions, Reiko performs the function of the frontline support and she has done exceeded expectations.

her command of her emotional temperament in battle has improved and she is slowly improving under the leadership of her direct in charge Corporal Komori whom i have placed in charge of her.

We Hope that this progress continues and she will be able to contribute even more to the Earth Federation Space forces Army and vanquish Zeon.

Corporal Komori:
Corporal Komori has stepped up the ranks fast since being a lance corporal not too long ago due to his amazing combat skills in battle. his selflessness has led him to gain tremendous respect from his men. he is currently supervising the soldiers in platoon 3 and is 4th in command there.

Komori has be deployed to head the Rengeki Extend, and so far, none of their recon missions have been disappointing.

i forsee a bright future for this young Corporal.

Private Kurosa:
Due to his outstanding talent in battle as a frontline melee fighter, Kurosa has been selected to train new recruits in another platoon and has therefore been posted out to Platoon Love hammer as the second in command.

He has also been selected to be part of the elite team Rengeki Extend, as the frontline melee soldier. so far, his discipline and selflessness have been a good example to all his fellow teamates. we are hoping to promote him soon after his next recon mission.

written by lieutenant Marko Holsteen of Side 7 facility

Chapter 9 part 2- dysfunctional

2009-10-21T03:15:00.000-07:00

Medical/ Scientific Report from EFSF Side 7 Laboratories.

prototype number 64350/ Reiko Ayumu , was implanted with extra prostethic devices today in order to improve her overall performance in combat and makeup for her genetic flaws. however, we are experiencing what you called an auto immuno system rejection of the parts.

symptoms Reiko has experienced suceeding the operation include raised body temperatures,a dysfunction in the body's homeostatic functions , overproduction of mucus in the nasal passages and the larynx and a mild inflammmation of the eosophagal passage. this can be termed as what the layman calls an infection of the influenza virus. however in protoype Reiko's case, that is not so. we have not fully analysed and understood her upgraded genetic makeup due to the complexity of it's creation but what we can understand is that her body is designed to counter and viral and bacterial attack, making her immune system the most powerful one we have ever seen or studied.therefore, we can only deduce that these symptoms are arising because her altered body is rejecting it's humanoid parts.

Reiko is currently being put under observation in the laboratory to see if her body will slowly adapt to the new body parts. in the event this operation is not successful, we will subsequently have to remove the parts and continue to study and monitor her progress.

the lab is currently working on a way to finish our analysis of this prototype, so that in the near future, we can attempt to make our own generation of a new and better extend, for the future of our new world.

studies, monitored, recorded and reported by Miss Alpha zieghler, head researcher of the Side 7 laboratories.

chapter 9 part 1- dysfunctional

2009-10-20T07:21:00.002-07:00

my system is malfunctioning.
i'm experiencing raised body temperatures,a dysfunction in my body's homeostatic functions , overproduction of mucus in the nasal passages and the larynx and a mild inflammmation of the eosophagal passages.
in short i'm having what the humans term as a flu.
this is possibly due to the new implants that was put in my body today, in a bid to try to make up for the genetic flaws that my prototype is exhibiting. somehow i think it doesnt compliment me well though,
i'm worried that if EFSF realises that i'm truly a failed prototype with no hope of salvaging, they might do away with me and try to make a new prototype. hence i have to constantly prove my existence and show my uses to the EFSF. i need to find my sister. i cannot die now. somehow, i'm beginning to distrust the EFSF more and more. but i must bide my time....i will wait...

Chapter 8- Rengeki Extend

2009-10-20T07:21:00.001-07:00

today i was deployed again. due to our performance in battle commander Neo Formed a Three Man Team called ( Rengeki Extend) for high priority emergency deployments. the team consists of me, Kurosa and Corporal Komori.i'm a little worried for the corporal today because initially during the first stages he seemed a little preoccupied. but he perked up shortly after and was back and kicking ass in no time. later on, he helped with coding some data entry into military data base. unfortunately, my specialty is killing, not data entry and coding. i have improved alot under his leadership.
Komori has been unhappy with his performance of late. i hope he's not upset with himself. our fighting styles are different. he sees the bigger picture, letting the team perform better at the expense of his own. i need to go soon. i heard that my implant operation has been scheduled for today 6 hours later. i need to rest and then prepare myself.

Chapter 7- Recon

2009-10-20T07:20:00.003-07:00

today was supposed to be my off day, i had a dinner with some important people. suddenly i was recalled back by Neo for an emergency battle. apparently some of our platoon mates were on MC so they also called back Kurosa from the other platoon. there has been talk recently that he has been posted to Love Hammer due to the fact he's an Ace Oldtype pilot and they need more Talents to train the high influx of new rookies enlisting.

i heard from Komori that there is a lieutenant observing our progress and our combat capabilities in battle, weekly reports are sent back to the HQ and re-evaluated by our leaders.. they will then select who gets promoted.

i have finally been promoted to First Class Private. in the EFSF it is nothing but at least it's a start. my combat achievements were not much at the start of the battle. i just did mostly support for Kurosa and Komori.later Kurosa got called back on another mission to back up another base suffering from a high priority defense mission. me and Komori held the fort on our own with 2 other soldiers. surprisingly, my skills are starting to improve alot. but it is still not good enough for me. i live for the kill,,,,without the kill my life is meaningless...i need to kill to protect...whatever is precious to me

i asked komori to check into whatever data bases he could get access to ( he's been promoted recently to a Corporal so he has some limited access to the data bases) to see if there is any slight information on Stellar Loussier. it's been weighing on my mind lately.

a good thing is recently i realised i'm getting better control of handling stellar's consciousness and merging it with my own, hence allowing me to maintain greater control in the battlefield.

right now i'm extremely tired, i'll probably need to rest in the POD soon.

chapter 6-faded memories

2009-10-20T07:20:00.001-07:00

living as an Extend in a world full of climatic changes, i just realised my body has one more weakness. it tends to become more active in colder temperatures, probably due to the fact that i function at optimum capacity when my brain is not heated up, in some ways similar to the way the hardware of a computer functions. that could possibly be due to the chips planted in my brain.

the place i grew up in had a controlled enviroment where it wasnt too hot or too cold. possibly the reason why i had not realised this weakness in my system sooner

bad ting about it is that i need to have a few hours of shut down everyday or my hardware starts malfunctioning at an alarming rate a few hours later. this makes me more susceptible to bouts of personality instability from personal experience. i need to feedback about this problem to the technicians in my future tune ups.

i found out one thing about my past today, while i was trying to extract information from the memory chip in my brain during my tune up.the Word Lodonia laboratories keeps coming to my mind. what has it got to do with my past? or more accurately, stellar's loussier's past? was it the place she grew up in? the place where it all began?

i don't have an answer yet but slowly,everything will come to light.

chapter 5-confusion

2009-10-20T07:19:00.001-07:00

things have changed, alot, since i was found half alive on the battlefield near my birthplace.
from the reiko i was then and the Reiko i was now, i have grown alot; to the point i've even become un-dependant on Stellar One-sama unlike how i used to be before, Neo Sama , Komori and Kurosa san have taught me much ( even thought Kurosa hardly says a constructive word unless he's bullshitting ha!)

3 new rookies joined our platoon today, a bad thing is, Kurosa got posted out so we'll be seeing mr blackie less often...good thing is, both platoons live in the same block and we'll probably get deployed together quite often.

Kurosa ended up in some retarded platoon called Love hammer...wonder what's wrong with their 2nd lieutenant...is he some sorta vain metrosexual who's self obsessed about his performance in bed?

anyways, he's trying to get a transfer but it's kinda hard at this time of the year. i heard rumors that he got a transfer as the higher ups have plans on promoting him to train the rookies ( plenty of them there)

currently i've been deployed to give basic military training to the rookies ( utter morons they are) but hell....guess they'll better learn fast or else i'll make them Down 5!

Today i was in combat within the mining area that was cordoned off. it was an intense battle but not the worst.Komori was supposed to be deployed but was unable to due to certain complications that arose with his Mobile suit. Kurosa was a little bit raw on the battlefield because of his lack of prior experience with the enemy in this territory. we worked together well though due to the fact we were using different mobile suits with different capabilities. i think komori is trying to train me to be independant and capable of leading a mobile suit team on my own

i was thinkin about stellar One-Sama today, really miss her, today i wore the necklace she gave me when she went was deployed on a mission.
the necklace is black with a metal heart pendant on it. there are some fake diamonds on it.

of late my lapses in my memory have been troubling me. who am i exactly? why do i not remember the entirety of my life? why do i only see bits and pieces flashing?

another thing that troubles me is, those who know my true identity don't seem to have an answer to that question either. the Commander Neo sama told me today that there have been no records of an accomplished EFSF soldier named Stellar Loussier from the Phantom Pain unit. Phantom pain doesnt even exist. but i'm dead sure she exists. isnt her memory implanted in my brain the very proof of her existence?

i don't know but i have to find out.

chapter 4- evaluation

2009-10-20T07:18:00.001-07:00

confidential Report to Side 7 Headquarters. Addressed to Commander Neo

Report No 1

Status reports of military personnel :

Private Reiko Ayumu:
the latest promising rookie that has signed up with the Earth Federation Space forces. rising up fast among the ranks of the other recruits to emerge as one of the stronger fighters. Reiko has outstanding reflexes and interestingly, takes to using mobility and agility as one of her strengths, unlike many of the soldiers that depend on using high defence armor types. For that reason we have given her the RX-79 ( G) Gundam Ground-type Reiko Custom Gundam, one of our newly developed Ground Mobile suits that is highly adapted for speed in battle.

some problems with this new rookie include:
unable to maintain a stable composure in combat
unable to follow instructions when agitated
brief signs of a split personality
occasions of where the recruit suddenly fails in her cognitive analysis skills (i.e bouts of sudden confusion in orientation or decision making )

we are still evaluating this new soldier to see if she is suitable for such combat and wether we can put her in a more highly valued position. as of such, she is highly volatile and for now is under constant monitoring and reviewing.

Lance Corporal Komori:
a hardworking Soldier that has the high level intellect where engineering and aerodynamics are concerned. this Lance Corporal is highly equipped with current knowledge of all mobile suits and is therefore highly in sync with whatever mobile suit he is assigned. however, he seems to favor the types with Agility and Mobility, much like Reiko. Probably, given the reason that he was Reiko's mentor since she stepped into Side 7 facility.

Komori has performed well so far in combat with only a few failures; given that he has a tendency to get preoccupied with his performance in battle. otherwise, he is one of the strongest mobile suit combatant in the whole of side 7.

he is currently testing out our new GM command, a suit designed for battle in SPace and EArth alike. His performance so far has been satisfactory, with not much reports of problems with the new mobile suits. we can expect to launch this new suit and start our training program for the whole of side 7 soon.

Private Kurosa:
son of Highly famous late General Hvide Hest. He seems to dislike being associated with his father and likes to associate his achievements purely with merit and hard work. one of the newest pilots around side 7, he is highly respected and is dubbed , " the ace pilot" by his peers. Kurosa seems to be able to work well with everyone but has a tendency to be aloof. He also favors the Agility type gundam but prefers hand to hand melee combat unlike most of his peers. currently he is testing out the cold climate ground type gundam that specializes in melee and close range. we are looking forward to even more progress so that we can deploy him very soon to other platoons to train other rookies.

written by lieutenant Marko Holsteen of Side 7 facility

Chapter 3- Revenge

2009-10-20T07:17:00.000-07:00

it's been a mth since i've been picked up by the commander. i do not know anything about him except that his code name is NEO. 3 days after the explosion, i woke up to find myself in a pod like the ones i would rest in back at blood ties. they told me they found me half dead and unconscious near faction B.T after it exploded due to an attack by the Zeon forces

a higher order was issued to keep me alive within PLatoon 3 and see if i could be used to pilot the new model of mobile suit the EFSF is designing. my identity is currently being kept top secret, with only the nation's top leaders and the commander knowing about it. to the rest, i'm just a normal civilian who has above average performance skills and was recruited late in the year. my alias identity is called Reiko Ayumu

as i type now i am supposed to think of a new identity to craft around myself. a report will be sent to the higher ups. my memory of some parts of my life in B.T has been corrupted. i will need to go back soon and retrieve the information in the old archives gallery of what's left of the ruins.

Currently the POd is the only thing that can keep me alive. the doctors are working on a way to wean me off the pod. to date, no extend in history has been able to function like a human being without the POD. within a wk without close proximity of the POD, they will die.

Stellar ONe chan is dead. the commander told me that the troops from Zeon Gunned her down after strong resistance from her part to protect me. from then on, i swore i'll kill every zeon soldier i see. in the memory of my sister.

currently my progress is still not up to standard. to date i have only killed 26 mobile suits of the enemy in combat. my rank is still at Private, and i am the lowest ranking in the entire 3rd platoon.

my current team members are Kurosa and Komori.
Komori seems to have a troubled past. he will only reveal to me that he came from Zeon and nothing more. apparently that is a secret that only the commander knows. if not for the fact Komori never served for the Zeon army, i would have stabbed him with my bare hands. but he hates the zeon forces as much as i do. for now, that is good enough for me.

Kurosa refuses to reveal anything about his past. he is a mysterious character.

hope that i will get my promotion soon. i have to do my nation proud! i have to take revenge for Stellar One-Chan and protect those dear to me

I will have my revenge

Reiko Ayumu

chapter 2- Flight

2009-10-20T07:15:00.000-07:00

day of the explosion:
stellar one-sama told me they were planning to kill us today, that we had to run or die. i dun understand, why is papa and mama angry?
stellar one-sama looks worried, i've never seen her worried b4, is something bad going to happen
i don't understand stellar one-sama...even though she is unable to hear well and needs things to help...she said she can hear voices in her head...what is that?
i think i rmb papa talkin bout it..it's extra...sensory...perception?

i love stellar one-sama best because she is very good to me...papa told me the name of the soldier whose memory they put inside me was stellar too.....i cant rmb her surname. was it loussier?

images of things that i've never seen before keep creeping in...are they stellar's?

i'm scared

Chapter 1- the beginning

2009-10-20T07:10:00.001-07:00

>
U.C. 0078.03U.C. 0078.03

The Federation Forces launch the RX Project, a secret mobile suit development program.
unknowst to the public and most of the military forces,
the Federation Forces is conducting secret experiments to create genetically modified humans that are classified under the "EXTEND" category. these EXTENDEDs are supposed to be catered to be able to adapt to the usage of the new mobile suits that are to be developed in this era
the lab is located at Side 7, an earth federation colony
this Project is known as R31
R31 is a failure and is scrapped
many of the genetically engineered humans have genetic flaws. unit 64350, Code name Rain,
at the age of 7

at 10

at the current age of 19

flaws in brain cortex impeding ability to have good memory functions
genetic flaws in the retina to cornea resulting in medium myopia
no problem with psycho-motor skills. good reflexes
one of the 2 longest surviving prototypes.
programs unit 64350 was put thru.
-combat training
-life or death battle simulations
-cognitive skills
-mobile suit piloting

many of the prototypes have the memories of their predeccesors implanted in them. the candidates for memory extraction are carefully selected, according to their genetic make, their physical abilities, their intelligence and their contribution in the Earth Federation Armed Forces.
* the only problem resulting from such memory implants is that prototypes seem to develop their own feelings and emotions which might clash with that of their memory implant, causing an undesirable reaction in certain circumstances if the prototype is provoked, making them possibly highly unstable and volatile
due to the imperfections of Project R31. all Prototypes are to be scrapped and killed.however, an explosion created by unidentified causes occurs in the lab around that time. prototype 64350 goes missing, along with prototype 64351.
to this day , they are unaccounted for and have assumed that they have perished in the fire resulting from the explosion.

lab Report for Prototype 64350 from Yamazaki Beta. Psysiomolecular specialist for the Blood Ties Faction

The True Heart of A Centaur

2009-09-04T09:43:00.001-07:00

You are hard to control and in many ways one of the most independent of people. You must feel free to act on your impulses and intuition. Honor and trust are high on your list of priorities and you believe in fairness for yourself and others. You have a strong nurturing side when it comes to animals and children and the less fortunate. You often act impulsively to protect the defenseless. You try to project an air of self assurance and confidence but underneath you are sensitive and insecure. You have enormous willpower and are immensely loyal. You are often unreasonable but do not balk at an open discussion. You are witty and enjoy debate. You have a great need to give rather then receive. You only open up to a few people and share your innermost thoughts. Strengths: Honorable – Intuitive – Responsible Weaknesses: Over Competitive – Impulsive – Temperamental

rondo

2009-08-11T23:20:00.000-07:00

hey my little angels....things have changed alot recently....life has become better...a bit more settled down...if not a lil more boring.

i think i've become prettier too??

or more handsome???

or more in love with my besties?

right now i'm still living in solitude somewhat...but this time i don't feel so lonely cos i know u are there for me....

also currently working as an IT trainer in a primary school. Gakkou no sensei u know what i mean? with the nerdy specs and the no nonsense attitude. many are shocked by the teacher persona

no makeup...no fashion sense.....well unless u count elegant officey attire as fashion sense....it's elegant...but not...me...
i have to maintain decorum....which is also not really me...

me???unglam and boisterous?

therefore may i be able to dance a sweet rondo with you someday??

the EP is still ongoing and will be out soon....

i know the best is yet to come

reiko Ayumu

memoirs of bloodlust

2009-05-07T10:38:00.000-07:00

one....two....three...choices...what should i take?

cursed fates impossible bliss...
all this she had tried to resist...
reaching for something in the dark
a light or a gentle spark

sometimes things are not all they seem...
one must wait for the myriad rainbow color changes in the enviroment to guess the change in the tides...

as the tides change so do the tides of fate...
does one understand?
right now bloodlust is all that fills my mind....

things are getter darker....my vision is clouding red....

the awakened

memoirs of vanity itself

2009-04-16T09:07:00.000-07:00

yesh my dears vanity speaking and you know what i'm going talk bout right? of course it's my hawt self....naw just jokin! just came back from camp bout 2 wks ago and now we're all suffering from the blues and melancholia of post graduation and post FO trauma....and now all the freshies are convinced i'm a whip wielding maniac...T_T...haha i'm very nice ok! LOLZ

well for starters i shall upload the dmit add pics...
group piccies with my darling seniors

photo with nigel...i have a spastic look on my face lol

a RAWK ON! picture with eggy

a i'm a mafia boss's wife! picture

OK....moving right along to the main topic..the FOC....
first...the sentosa outing with the seniors..hiding in a secluded spot so someone could tan..

kimmy....

me....

mNK

MNKN the minas

after which i shall discuss....shim night,,,
due to the invasion of manly rights i shall not overupload too many shimmy pics in case my girls...ahem..boys kill me.but....well that night was full of whippin galore as my evil manager from DMC persona took over...i cant say that was the initial image i was going for but my wardrobe was stolen by one of my shims soo...
well. i had fun cos i gotta whip ppl like crazy...never done that b4...but i've tried and tested that whip on myself b4 k! i understand the threshold of pain and how to create more sound then pain!

here goes
me and the new mamasan

hina violating my dog...

my latest sensation lady..HAHA

anyways before u all start agreeing i'm a mad person...let me say...i am! but i'm prolly nicer then you think...

so long my canine frens!

my real self...a music lover

2009-02-24T05:32:00.000-08:00

ok...yesterday went bitching....i mean beaching....chilled out...fun in the sun...and...goofing....

besides...beaching..and bitching...hmmm what can i say?

gotta muse over the loss of my freedom....the freedom i revel in in the deepest darkest excesses of the night....the night tat givest me the most luxurious feeling of being able to run with abandon....

also have alot to think bout in terms of finances....musing on....

wish my parents could understand me better,,,but then again maybe it's good they don't

the end

2009-02-15T10:05:00.000-08:00

darkness fills my very heart....anger permeates my soul...only hurt left to impart....empty deep within inside....

the silence now tells me the truth...all you left is just the memories...i'm stuck in this trap that u have set up...there's no place no way to hide from the dark

your presence still haunts me stealing my last breathe away...

every time i think of you....drowning in my own tears...

my heart breaks and pain grows deep death seems the only way...

i shall say goodbye to misery for this will be the end of the story....

i think it's time to let go....

25 things about the weather

2009-01-28T10:31:00.000-08:00

i was doing this personality test thing which would form a table called the Johari window....those who do come across this post...please help me enter my personality traits in this link...

http://kevan.org/johari?view=celestialrainafall

i played a game today with my frens...we all had to write 25 things about ourselves...here goes

1) i'm kinda wondering what to write about myself
2)i'm a closet romantic
3) i want someone special to love me
4) i wish perverted weirdos will leave me alone
5) i wish my 53GB hentai will DL faster
6) i might be cheerful but actually i'm a very morbid person inside
7)i have lesbian tendencies but prefer guys..
8) i would think that i'm easy to read but hard to understand...
9)i deperately wanna lose weight....for now anyways...been doing abs exerciese at home
10) i wanna start joggin when i graduate even though i hate joggin!
11) i like soccer and badminton
12)i'm competitive once i'm in the aggresive mode
13) i'm very bipolar...for example if i am antisocial i'm very antisocial...if i'm sociable..i'm very sociable...
14)i'm not just a closet romantic...i'm also a closet pervery
15) hmm actually i'm not that perverted la...most of the time i say perverted stuff to elicit a response from my audience
16) i'm tired of guys in general and don't have a very good opinion of them...
17) that doesnt mean i'm not open to a good guy should he come along!
18) but still in general i'm still not ready for a relationship...
19) maybe a lesbian one?
20) ok i'm beginning to talk rubbish...it's my forte afterall
21) recently my mental block cleared and now i can write morbid archaic songs...
22) didnt i say i was a singer/musician/arranger?
23)i'm hoping not to fuck up my song on SOY ( rykiel u understand right?)
24) i'm actually a shy person who uses hyperness to cover up
25) i hope ppl dun think hurting my feelings is funny...

persona

2009-01-16T11:06:00.000-08:00

wow i took the handwrirting test and apparently some things about me have changed over the past mths.check it out. still very true tho

Raina uses judgment to make decisions. She is ruled by her head, not her heart. She is a cool, collected person who is usually unexpressive emotionally. Some may see her as unemotional. She does have emotions but has no need to express them. She is withdrawn into herself and enjoys being alone.

The circumstances when Raina does express emotions include: extreme anger, extreme passion, and tremendous stress. If someone gets her mad enough to tell her off, she will not be sorry about it later. She puts a mark in her mind when someone angers her. She keeps track of these marks and when she hits that last mark she will let them know they have gone too far. She is ruled somewhat by self-interest. All her conclusions are made without outside emotional influence. She is very level-headed and will remain calm in an emergency situation. In a situation where other people might get hysterical, she has poise.

Raina will work more efficiently if given space and time to be alone. She would rather not be surrounded by people constantly. In a relationship, she will show her love by the things she does rather than by the things she says. Saying "I love you" is not a needed routine because she feels her mate should already know. The only exception to this is if she has logically concluded that it is best for her mate to hear her express her love verbally.

Raina is not subject to emotional appeals. If someone is selling a product to her, they will need to present only the facts. They should present them from a standpoint of her sound judgment. She will not be taken in by an emotional story about someone else. She will meet emergencies without getting hysterical and she will always ask "Is this best for me?"

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Raina doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

Raina is sensitive to criticism about her ideas and philosophies. She will sometimes worry what people will think if she tells them what she believes in. This doesn't mean she won't talk, or that she feels ashamed. It merely means she is sensitive to what others think, regarding her beliefs.

Raina will be candid and direct when expressing her opinion. She will tell them what she thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want her opinion, don't ask for it!

In reference to Raina's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Raina slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project.

She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Raina can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Raina is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Raina basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.

Raina is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect her ego when she feels hurt. She pokes people harder than she gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

Raina has a temper. She uses this as a defense mechanism when she doesn't understand how to handle a situation. Temper is a hostile trait used to protect the ego. Temper can be a negative personality trait in the eyes of those around her.

Something is incomplete in Raina's life. She feels frustration relating to her physical needs and desires. Somewhere in her life there is some disappointment, non-fulfillment, and interruption. This is very likely to relate to Raina's sexual needs.

Raina is constantly disappointed when trying to reach success. She works very hard, perhaps harder than most, then just before succeeding, something happens that keeps her from success. Often, Raina changes to a second project just before the first one is finished, thus failing to complete the first project. Sometimes she changes because she feels she needs a different challenge. Raina feels dejected. This feeling relates to her failures. This trait is very important in a working situation and in a relationship. She must be handled in a very special way to get the most work from her or to make a relationship last. Concerning this trait, personality modification is available to change her life.

Raina exaggerates about everything that has a physical nature. Although she may not intend to deceive or mislead, she blows things way out of proportion because that is the way she views them. She will be a good story teller. This exaggeration relates to all areas of her material world. Raina allows many people into her life because she is accepting and trusting. She is sometimes called gullible by her friends. That only really means that she trusts too many people. Raina has a vivid imagination.

For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer's attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space. If the inputted data was correct Raina has left lots of white space on the all four borders of the paper. Raina fills up just the center area of the page. If this is true, then Raina has a particular shyness toward people and a fear of moving too fast in any direction. In some cultures, respecting people, rules, and adhering to protocol are ways of life.

The right side of the page represents the future and the left side represents the past. Raina seems a bit stuck in the middle, afraid to take action.

Raina seems to have a fear of looking bad or of crossing boundries. It will be easy to work with Raina on a team, because Raina will usually follow the rules. However, this desire to respect the boundries can often be construed as a lack of confidence and people will walk over Raina if she is not careful.

reminiscence

2009-01-14T07:17:00.000-08:00

thinkin back....things have been pretty hectic and messy hasnt it?i mean with all the things and tempests around you happening..u would tend to get caught up in it

i'm already graduating soon...and today i was talkin about stuff with a fren....

what i learnt from the past three years...is that
1)it's better to be low profile
2)smile when your pissed (and yes the whole world is fake ppl)
3)be a little more selfish cos it doesnt pay to be generous to all cept those who matter
4) dun give a damn unless u should..

ah well....that's how u find out who are the ones who are truly shallow...but then again...who am i to say? we all learn and grow together...i've seen ppl change for the better after experiences get the better of them...

thanks to all those frens ( i know we didnt get along initially) who stuck by and believed in lookin deeper then the surface.probably if u were the kinds who just looked at the superficial things we wouldnt have been frens in the first place.

you cant pls everyone....just make sure those that matter dun think anything's wrong with you...so what if i'm hard to understand? some people do....

anyways...i'll continue smiling...and prove i can make it on my own....

wth...i already am mananging fine by myself...i dun needa suck up to do it...

when in doubt smile...when ur pissed smile...when ur happy smile...

gee i'm beginning to sound a lil mental

half a virgin?!

2009-01-11T06:23:00.000-08:00

here's something interesting to look at....

From my bestie

Rules: Minus the number of Yes answers from 100%.

The lower the number you have the more you've been 'bad'!

-Smoked
-Drank alcohol
-Cried when someone died
-Been drunk
-Had sex
-Been to a concert
-Gotten/given a hand job
-Gotten/given a blow job
-Been verbally/sexually harassed
-Verbally/sexually harassed somebody

-total so far: 94%

-Felt someone up and/or been felt up
-Laughed so hard something came out of your nose
-Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before
-Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend
-Been to formal/prom
-Cried at school
-Gotten lost in a department store
-Went streaking
-Given or received a lap dance
-Had someone of the opposite sex in your room

total: 88%

-Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over
-Slept over at someone of the opposite sex's house
-Kissed a stranger
-Hugged a stranger
-Went scuba diving
-Driven a car
-Gotten an x-ray
-Hit by a car
-Had a party
-Done serious drugs

total: 84%

-Played strip poker/darts
-Got paid to strip for someone
-Ran away from home
-Broken a bone
-Eaten sushi
-Bought porn
-Watched porn
-Made porn
-Had a crush on someone of the same sex
-Been in love

total: 79%

-French Kissed
-Laughed so hard you cried
-Cried yourself to sleep
-Laughed yourself to sleep
-Stabbed yourself
-Shot a gun
-Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day
-Been online for 9 consecutive hours
-Watched t.v.
-Watched an animal die

total: 75%

-Watched a person die
-Kissed and/or messed around somewhere with at least 1 person present
-Pranked somebody
-Put somebody in the hospital
-Snuck into someone's room/and or your own room after being out
-Kissed somebody of the same sex
-Dressed punk
-Dressed goth
-Dressed preppy
-Been to a motocross race

total: 70%

-Avoided somebody
-Been stalked
-Stalked someone
-Met a celebrity
-Played an instrument
-Rode a horse
-Cut yourself
-Bungee jumped
-Ding dong ditched somebody
-Been to a wild party

total: 64%

-Been caught stealing something
-Kicked/punched a guy in the balls
-Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend
-Gone out with your friend's crush
-Got arrested
-Been pregnant
-Babysat
-Been to another country
-Started your house on fire
-Had an encounter with a ghost

total: 63%

-Donated your hair to cancer patients
-Been asked out by someone that you never thought you'd be asked out by
-Cried over a member of the opposite sex
-Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over 2 months
-Sat on your butt all day
-Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself
-Had a job
-Gotten cut from a sports team
-Been called a whore
-Danced like a whore

total: 56%

-Been mistaken for a celebrity
-Been in a car accident
-Been told you have beautiful eyes
-Been told you have beautiful hair
-Raped somebody
-Danced in the rain
-Been rejected
-Left a restaurant without paying
-Punched someone/slapped someone in the face
-Been raped

END total: 51%%

homg....i just passed....hmm...

right now trying to figure a way to change my blog skin...but i'm such an ignoramus at this......

eons later...

my bestie fai changed it for me in the end cos she was astounded at my stupidity...take a look at the newe blog skin and her!

the taste and scent of blood is definitely therepeutic and mesmerising

2009-01-07T08:10:00.000-08:00

technically...I've nothing against you....un-technically... i still haven really forgiven you...not yet..

i dun forget certain things....and some i want to forget but i am not able to...

damn sarah brightman makes one nostalgic and melancholy....it's time to go for ppl's jugulars...

vampire knight guilty had a bittersweet ending...but i still love yuki for that...i used to prefer maria kurenai...but hell...yuuki as a pureblood is such a turn on...although i'm not sure who;s hair i like better...shizuka hio or Yuuki

yuuki is the brown haired gal and maria is the one with silver white hair...

oh ya the maria is actually me in cosplay.. i know it's like the stupidest camwhore thing to do to show ur face in ur blog but aiya....i just figured out how to upload pictures for the first time and the pictures in my profile corner of the blog haven been updated for 2 years...that's how computer illiterate i am...

fine fine..,.blogger is tellin me what a camwhore i am...bitch...

lost in memoria..trapped in temptation

2008-12-29T11:23:00.000-08:00

i love my besties for being there for me...i wish i can forget what happen though...

i'm seriously lost in memoria...and drownin it in workin harder and killin my health...numbing the mind thru fatigue...

life has been good in a sense...i mean with appearing on tv...writing new songs...and all....

i just wish u never did that...never made me hope...nv made me even imagine...and then dropped everything and walked away...

up till now... i cant forget...everything...small things i know but i was always too simple...far too simple for my own good...

probably they'd think i was sick in the head...a hopeless romantic..or even a hopeless fanatic...but heck...these are just ramblings...

back to school....i should just forget...all....

safe in a crazy world...of all the irony

2008-12-03T09:13:00.001-08:00

this whole thing is a game right? somehow i feel it's a game...

it just reminds me of a song a classmate wrote for my midi assignment...

so absolutely relates to my experiences...

haha seems like the only two songs that somewhat belong to me really reflect my crazzy life...

i suck.....

bone deep soul weary

2008-12-01T08:10:00.000-08:00

hmmm things have been happening recently...things that gotten me confused...things that might've gotten me a little lost and distracted.

luckily i have my closies at my side to gimme emotional support. but the scary thing is...without them..i dun think i can survive right now...i feel very frightened and unsure without them...

even during presentation today...without her... i wouldn have been able to pull thru without collapsing i think....

i shouldnt be so weak...why do i suck at survival...
it's just a matter of being able to take care of yourself.....

bout that incident....i think i'll be able to handle it...i mean...if shit happens it's not the first time it happened anyway...just have to take it in stride...

at least i'll get my answer soon....and there's maturity in the handling of this situation... what i hate is dealing with childish ppl....at the same time i dun wish to push anything and put pressure on anyone....i hope i can be a good fren too

you know...a few days back my bro asked me why i was wearing a pinkish crystal ring on my fourth finger. i told him jokingly that it was a "singlehood" ring.

i wonder how long i'll wear that ring....

whirlwinds of change....trapped...

2008-11-27T08:55:00.000-08:00

as usual life is a whirlwind. time passes and things happen...good and bad...and before u know it...your 19..like today...

i'm finally 19...one more year...and my birthdays ages will never have a 1 in front of it anymore....

my most recent ex got dumped..i never mentioned him right? cos he wasnt worth mentionin...i dun think i matttered to him either....

today's my birthday....and i'm listening to the birthday song by corrine may...reminds me of....i dunno

some things happened recently...but they are...complicated...it's best to keep it to myself...cos it doesnt pay to let ppl know too much bout u...

actually...no it isnt complicated..it's simple but can get complicated....

it's strange really...cos i just seem to spit the words out that i wanna say..

all i can say is...if this situation does get settled...one day i'll talk about it...

this gets me thinkin of that song that a certain someone asked me to listen to...he was the one who recommended me to the birthday song..

he recommended me the song safe in a crazy world by corrine may..is there really such a person out there...if there is can you tell me where to find that special person?

i'm scared...and i'm scared of being scared...it's irritating...cos it sucks to be a weakling...

a web of deceit...lies ....my true self? is that it?

2008-10-06T09:41:00.000-07:00

i hate feelin like i'm being made use of all the time. wish they had more respect for me. which is why i dun trust the other part of humanity. what a paradox. they say all kinds of things to prove they care but in the end it's all about themselves.

they are all the same. if they really respect us. they'll listen to us. and not always try to prove their dominance in every situation.

*Fuck

oh yes i did a handwriting analysis. you ppl should try this it's damn accurate.
'here's the link
http://www.handwritingwizard.com
and here's my analysis results

Most people with a severe leftward slant have some type of childhood trauma they have yet to work through. Since we didn't actually "see the writing", we can't tell if she actually has a hard left emotional slant, but if so... she has issues with trust and it is likely rooted in childhood.

Raina has withdrawn into herself. She is reserved and shows her feelings only at times of great anger, extreme passion, or tremendous stress. Raina is an introvert. She makes decisions based on logic, therefore she is rarely impulsive. She doesn't find any need for expressing her emotions. In fact, she probably sees this emotional expression as an unnecessary waste of time. She has a hard time relating to an extreme extrovert, although it is common for her to be attracted to one. Many people do not understand Raina; it is difficult for them to really know how Raina feels. Raina enjoys being alone, and probably prefers working alone. Working with her hands is a pleasure.

Raina's basic nature is to look out for herself first. Although she can and does feel emotions, perhaps as deeply as anyone, she just almost always harbors them inside.

The first time someone angers Raina, she probably will not say anything to that person at that time. However, she will mentally keep track of everything this person does wrong to her until she cannot hold her emotions inside any longer. Then; Boom! Raina will cloud up and rain all over them. And she will never regret telling someone off, because she knew what she was saying the entire time. She won't impulsively tell someone off.

Emotional stories will not sway Raina. She thinks totally with judgment, first considering every situation by the effect it will have on her.

Raina needs space and time alone. She will be much more efficient if given a job alone, rather than being surrounded by people.

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Raina doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

Raina will be candid and direct when expressing her opinion. She will tell them what she thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want her opinion, don't ask for it!

Raina has a desire for attention. People around Raina will notice this need. She may fulfill this need by a variety of ways depending on her own character.

In reference to Raina's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Raina slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project.

She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Raina can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Raina is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Raina basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.

Raina is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect her ego when she feels hurt. She pokes people harder than she gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

Raina has a temper. She uses this as a defense mechanism when she doesn't understand how to handle a situation. Temper is a hostile trait used to protect the ego. Temper can be a negative personality trait in the eyes of those around her.

Raina is very self-sufficient. She is trying not to need anyone. She is capable of making it on her own. She probably wants and enjoys people, but she doesn't "need" them. She can be a loner.

Raina has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. She lets new people into her circle of friends. She uses her imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.

Raina has a very unusual lower zone y loop. If the data input is correct, Raina's y or g is large and has triangle shape to the lower loop. This is not a common trait, but the implications are very interesting. As you begin to study handwriting analysis, you will learn any loop indicates imagination. This lower loop indicates the amount of imagination Raina has regarding sex and physical things. Her lower zone stroke is large, so her sexual imagination is large and open. Furthermore, because the loop has a triangle shape, this indicates a particular curiosity with certain aspects of sexuality. In a nutshell, Raina is open to some very new ideas sexually and is willing to try anything once. I'd say Raina is quite a dynamic and playful lover. Watch out world!

For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer's attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space. If the inputted data was correct Raina has left lots of white space on the all four borders of the paper. Raina fills up just the center area of the page. If this is true, then Raina has a particular shyness toward people and a fear of moving too fast in any direction. In some cultures, respecting people, rules, and adhering to protocol are ways of life.

The right side of the page represents the future and the left side represents the past. Raina seems a bit stuck in the middle, afraid to take action.

Raina seems to have a fear of looking bad or of crossing boundries. It will be easy to work with Raina on a team, because Raina will usually follow the rules. However, this desire to respect the boundries can often be construed as a lack of confidence and people will walk over Raina if she is not careful.

womenhood will rule the world one day

2008-09-24T09:33:00.000-07:00

i think i can get thru this...my besties and best mates have the best way of encouraging me; with some girl pep talk and some bitchin. now i feel 100% boyz stay away if u know what;s good for you!

haha i dun mind getting more of a social life with guys i need to hang more often get more cash improve my figure get my looks straight again. right now i look frightful. and puleese no matter how hot u look u better have a figure dun be like meee!

right now i'm sounding bimbotic...which is good sign becos i'm normally gloomy on my blog....good good...now someone intro me guys!

hey dun think i'm desperate... i'm more like...hmm....bored with life? and anyways even non commital guys are good to fool with now. i'm young you know! they're not good for love unfortuantely...which deep in my heart is really what i want. but hell..if i cant get love in this depraved and degrading world..i'll at least make sure i die with a bang and my tombstone inscribes ...she lived like a hellion and died with a life of fun...wahahahhaah

ok b4 u ppl think i'm bimbotic....F.U.C.K you! ( it means fornication under consent of the king btw) tha'ts the origins of that word ppl....
raina the intelligent bimbo

ps. i wish i was bitchier...hope ppl call me high class bitch.i think paris hilton is intelligent btw

tata

aimless

2008-09-23T10:47:00.000-07:00

hmmmm i think i'm a football...,always getting kicked here or there. i'll either reach my goals, or i'll be tossed around meaninglessly....

currently staying at gran's place for a wk,..,,finding it abit hard to adjust. she still treats me like a baby so i have nighttime curfews, have to slp early. and she hates letting me outta her sight.

still have the media to deal with too, due to the upcoming programme in dec that my band wlll be featured in. have to reply a few emails to the director so that she can get a better programme feature on us. really stressed tho cos i'm not proficient in chinese, the programme is chinese and i'm the spokesperson.

also other things have been on my mind recently. got in touch with a fren that haven really been catching up with,..did some major catching up in the hols...caught up with my other best mates and the three stooges had their get together session again!

this fren of mine if i'm not careful might be someone special in my life. GOD help me i dun need so many complications now.
stoogy A and stoogy B are worried for me, raina the ironhearted, the one who always considered mind over heart.

i dun need heart complications now. i'm supposed to be strong and look after the others.dun need lookin after.but dun worry i'll be fine. even now as i'm writing this, my mind and heart is calm, maybe even numb.

maybe my deepest seated fear is really lonelinest, i'm so afraid to be lonely for the rest of my life, which is why i'm misleading myself.whatever the cause is, i'll try to be stronger and face the uncertain future with a backbone of steel. my success in career is still possible. unless i fail even in that. then maybe i'm really hopeless and should just disappear from this world.

anyways otherwise my social life and all is not that eventful. someone pls hook me up with new frens soon! a few guys would be good too! haha spice up my life! and get a few non commital dates!

i should really make an effort to update my blog and the pics there. prob is i'm a computer klutz and dunno shit bout it. i'll have to learn from a fren i guess. be patient k? i'll update it soon.raina has gotten pretter btw! i'll prove it by updating new pics!

neverending surreal of hatred for humanity

2008-07-20T10:39:00.000-07:00

it's unreal....everything...somewhat things all screwed up, misunderstandings are flyin everywhere and since i'm in the centre of it...i'm getting all the flak.in the end i'm dun care....

it's not fair i'm the only one left behind to deal with all this...and sometimes i wonder why cant ppl be more honest and upfront about their feelings? if they were more open and honest instead of hiding stuff, misunderstandings wont fly.

anyway after all the grapevining, analysing and thinkin....i realised that he's the root of all the trouble. if not for him....most of the understanding, blame and trouble and stress wont be on me. but i dunno what else i can do right now expect to take it in stride and refute whatever accusations come my way. i'm tired....

things are abit too late to settle whilst they are here...well anyway they're going back soon.....

haiyo..why so sao ba sing....make life so difficult for me....aiya whatever la....

a celestial insight to life

2008-07-12T09:46:00.000-07:00

i'm gettin more and more into astrology becos it is accurate and can gauge a person's basic personality and innate character and how the person will turn out in the end. and it has always worked.

a person is split into 3 categories; the sun sign, the moon sign and the ascendant. the ascendant will be what you aspire to be as you mature after many different experiences. your sun sign is what mainly what character you are born with and ur moon sign is ur other side of you.

both my sun and moons are saggitariun, so i'm strongly fire...but my ascendant is taurus, an earth side that grounds me as i've learnt to be more realistic after so much shit has happened to me. ur sun sign is ur conscious self and ur moon sign is ur sub conscious self

this is my ascendant.
Taurus Rising gives you a stubborn streak, combined with a sturdy physique and tremendous physical stamina. Tenacious in getting what you want, your great patience can be the very key to your success. You need, however, to overcome a tendency to procrastinate and a certain difficulty with undesirable habits and behavioural patterns.

Ruled by Venus, planet of sensuality and beauty, you are considered physically attractive. Appreciative as you are, my dears, of good food and fine wines, you may yet avoid an expanding waistline... physical fitness and staying in shape having such a high priority with you. Since you enjoy presenting yourself in the best light, you simply delight in cosmetics and other beauty aids and, no slave to fashion, you select clothes that either show off your best points or are extremely comfortable. Physical comfort is paramount and you do so love the feeling of soft, luxurious materials.

Sociable, yet unobtrusive, you enjoy social occasions, especially in the company of friends, even though you can be rather rude and obnoxious when the mood takes you. This is no doubt due to your innate shyness. Some of you need to overcome a fixation with personal appearance and learn to grow old gracefully. On bad days you can be despicably lazy and take little or no interest in your physical appearance or manner of dress.

Taurus has materialistic, status-seeking tendencies. You take pains to hide it, but you can be unduly influenced by the powerful or wealthy. Although your practicality is often self-serving, you are pragmatic and can usually be relied upon for constructive suggestions that help others as much as yourself.

The finer things in life must include art and music, for you are innately talented, with a pleasant, resonant voice. Beware of infections and injuries to your neck and throat and you are subject to earaches and infections.

celestia's true heart

2008-07-11T09:30:00.000-07:00

Extraverted (E) 57% Introverted (I) 43%
Intuitive (N) 59% Sensing (S) 41%
Feeling (F) 60% Thinking (T) 40%
Perceiving (P) 55% Judging (J) 45%

Curious, energetic, adaptable, and creative, ENFPs like considering unconventional approaches. They enjoy batting around ideas and finding creative solutions and are energized and intrigued by new possibilities and anything out of the ordinary. ENFPs tend to be talkative, enthusiastic, playful, and generally fun-loving people. Warm and caring, ENFPs have strong personal values upon which they base most decisions. Conversations with ENFPs can be very circular as they excitedly move from one topic to the next, making connections and associations. Unconventional and occasionally irreverent, they pride themselves on their uniqueness and originality. Optimistic, and spontaneous, ENFPs have a strong sense of the possible. For them, life is an exciting drama. Because they are so interested in possibilities, ENFPs see significance in all things and prefer to keep lots of options open.

ENFPs Tend To Be:

• Creative, resourceful & naturally curious
• Highly diplomatic consensus builders
• Perceptive about people; great collaborators
• Enthusiastic & inspiring communicators
• Able to "think outside the box" & see possibilities
• Adaptable; able to shift gears & change directions quickly

General: ENFPs are both "idea"-people and "people"-people, who see everyone and everything as part of an often bizarre cosmic whole. They want to both help (at least, their own definition of "help") and be liked and admired by other people, on bo th an individual and a humanitarian level. They are interested in new ideas on principle, but ultimately discard most of them for one reason or another.

Social/Personal Relationships: ENFPs have a great deal of zany charm, which can ingratiate them to the more stodgy types in spite of their unconventionality. They are outgoing, fun, and genuinely like people. As SOs/mates they are warm, affectionate (l ots of PDA), and disconcertingly spontaneous. However, attention span in relationships can be short; ENFPs are easily intrigued and distracted by new friends and acquaintances, forgetting about the older ones for long stretches at a time. Less mature ENFPs may need to feel they are the center of attention all the time, to reassure them that everyone thinks they're a wonderful and fascinating person.

ENFPs often have strong, if unconvential, convictions on various issues related to their Cosmic View. They usually try to use their social skills and contacts to persuade people gently of the rightness of these views; his sometimes results in their negle cting their nearest and dearest while flitting around trying to save the world.
Work Environment: ENFPs are pleasant, easygoing, and usually fun to work with. They come up with great ideas, and are a major asset in brainstorming sessions. Followthrough tends to be a problem, however; they tend to get bored quickly, especially if a newer, more interesting project comes along. They also tend to be procrastinators, both about meeting hard deadlines and about performing any small, uninteresting tasks that they've been assigned. ENFPs are at their most useful when working in a group w ith a J or two to take up the slack.

ENFPs hate bureaucracy, both in principle and in practice; they will always make a point of launching one of their crusades against some aspect of it.
Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving

by Joe Butt

ENFPs are friendly folks. Most are really enjoyable people. Some of the most soft-hearted people are ENFPs.

ENFPs have what some call a "silly switch." They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch and become CAPTAIN WILDCHILD, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Som etimes they may even appear intoxicated when the "switch" is flipped.

One study has shown that ENFPs are significantly overrepresented in psychodrama. Most have a natural propensity for role-playing and acting.

ENFPs like to tell funny stories, especially about their friends. This penchant may be why many are attracted to journalism. I kid one of my ENFP friends that if I want the sixth fleet to know something, I'll just tell him.

ENFPs are global learners. Close enough is satisfactory to the ENFP, which may unnerve more precise thinking types, especially with such things as piano practice ("three quarter notes or four ... what's the difference?") Amazingly, some ENFPs are adept at exacting disciplines such as mathematics.

Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, moreso even than the other NFs. They hold up their end of the relationship, sometimes being victimized by less caring individuals. ENFPs are energized by being around people. Some have real difficulty being alone , especially on a regular basis.

One ENFP colleague, a social worker, had such tremendous interpersonal skills that she put her interviewers at ease during her own job interview. She had the ability to make strangers feel like old friends.

ENFPs sometimes can be blindsided by their secondary Feeling function. Hasty decisions based on deeply felt values may boil over with unpredictable results. More than one ENFP has abruptly quit a job in such a moment.

Functional Analysis:
Extraverted iNtuition

The physical world, both geos and kosmos, is the ENFP's primary source of information. Rather than sensing things as they are, dominant intuition is sensitive to things as they might be. These extraverted intuitives are most adept with patterns and connections. Their natural inclination is toward relationships, especially among people or living things.

Intuition leans heavily on feeling for meaning and focus. Its best patterns reflect the interesting points of people, giving rise to caricatures of manner, speech and expression.
Introverted Feeling

Auxiliary feeling is nonverbally implied more often than it is openly expressed. When expressed, this logic has an aura of romance and purity that may seem out of place in this flawed, imperfect world. In its own defense, feeling judgement frequently and fleetly gives way to humor. ENFPs who publicize their feelings too often may put off some of the crowd of friends they naturally attract.
Extraverted Thinking

Thinking, the process which runs to impersonal conclusions, holds the extraverted tertiary position. Used on an occasional basis, ENFPs may benefit greatly from this ability. Less mature and lacking the polish of higher order functions, Thinking is not well suited to be used as a prominent function. As with other FP types, the ENFP unwary of Thinking's limitations may find themselves most positively mistaken.
Introverted Sensing

Sensing, the least discernible ENFP function, resides in the inner world where reality is reduced to symbols and icons--ideas representing essences of external realities. Under the influence of the ever-present intuition, the ENFP's sensory perceptions are in danger of being replaced by hypothetical data consistent with pattern and paradigm. When it is protected and nourished, introverted sensing provides information about the fixed. From such firm anchoring ENFPs are best equipped to launch into thousands of plausibilities and curiosities yet to be imagined.

Perhaps the combination of introverted Feeling and childlike introverted Sensing is responsible for the silent pull of ENFPs to the wishes of parents, authority figures and friends. Or perhaps it's the predominance of indecisive intuition in combination with the ambiguity of secondary Fi and tertiary Te that induces these kind souls to capitulate even life-affecting decisions. Whatever the dynamic, ENFPs are strongly influenced by the opinions of their friends.

that's the kinda person i am....interesting rite....you know.....my 2nd and 3rd ex pointed out recently i looked overworked....worn out....unhappy....stressed and that a certain glow had left me....lol.....i guess i'm turning into a regular gloomy person....plus the fact that i dun really eat much anymore....and erm....some excitement has gone outta my life

i feel restless inside...and yet i feel tired....like i feel like i'm leading life meaninglessly and aimlessly....when am i gonnna find my meaming in life?

being in memoria sometimes does good for one

2008-07-09T06:31:00.000-07:00

getting used to it.....enjoy the moment and dun ask for anymore....just rmb to keep the memories alive....

went out with the gang today to pulau ubin....the three stooges Got chased by dogs exploring the island. possibly it's all that british blood. ang mohs GOt a somewhat bad name within asian society?haha maybe that's why the "SINGAPOH" dogs chased
them....

the antisocial one (pacman) was with us...nah i'm jokin he isn't antisocial... it's just fun to call him that. actually he interacts with us the most and is really full of fun. the trouble is when he gets too cranky he tickles me and her silly....luckily i dun get so much as she does

came up with a fan club for two of them yesterday just for a joke.Gonna upload some weird stuff on it as soon as i can. must grab the rest of the pics from the gang tho. aww i really need my own camera.....

ever since they came around i've been exercising alot! it's insane! haha but it's a Good weight lost thing. plus i'vve hardly been eating. so i can definitely burn fat. tho i have to say i've been drinkin alot more then usual and GOing places i'm NOt supposed to Go. pacman's saying we're becomin more brit. i think they're becomin more singaporean. they like bubble tea! maybe i should open a franchise in btitain...

reprieve is transient...bliss a figment of imagination

2008-07-08T09:26:00.001-07:00

we all make mistakes in our youth; stupid mistakes dun we?

some do it more then others and others screw up their lives more then some.

what am i wasting? time? effort?

i shouldn't be. i should just move on and wake up. the worst thing is when you contemplate doing something and you realise that you dun hae the guts to do it

like....have you ever had a what if day where you considered ending it all and you were clueless as to how to get about doing it in the perfect way without leaving scars or stains behind?

or maybe i am waiting and hoping for something refreshing and new deep down in my heart. which is why i haven disappeared entirely yet. but how long do i have to wait? some ppl say things can be kept simple. but why is it such that in the end my life still becomes so complicated?

i dun think i'll ever know. someone said sweet dreams to me and i hope i do.....

reprieve is a temporary and transient thing.....treasure it,

the great pretender

2008-07-07T09:57:00.000-07:00

((Oh yes I'm the great pretender (oooh oooh)
Pretending I'm doing well (oooh oooh)
My need is such, I pretend too much
I'm lonely but no-one can tell

Oh yes I'm the great pretender (oooh oooh)
Adrift in a world of my own (oooh oooh) I play the game, but to my real
shame
You've left me to dream all alone

Too real is this feeling of make believe (make believe)
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal
Ooh oh yes I'm the great pretender (oooh oooh)
Just laughing and gay like a clown (oooh oooh)
I seem to be what I'm not (you see)
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you're still around, yeah oooh hoo

Too real (real) when I feel (feel) what my heart can't conceal
Oh yes I'm the great pretender
Just laughing and gay like a clown (oooh oooh)
I seem to be what I'm not you see
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you're, pretending that you're still around ))

have i changed alot over the past few years?maybe i am a great pretender

maybe i have but i sorta KNow and dunno why
i was speaking to my ex today and he said i seemed more unhappy.
that i have lost that glow that made him fall for me in the first place.

i think i have become so jaded that i've lost faith in many things in life?

that í've lost the joy that made life meaningful for me in the first place?

that i'm afraid to be lonely but i cant tell anyone and have to be strong on the outside?

guess after i lost my 2nd guy i lost my self worth along with it....i lost...the meaning of life....and all i had left was whatever goals i had set...but my dreams...many of them started shattering as the years passed....

most importantly when i lost self worth...my faith...and innocence totally went. from low self esteem to no self worth. so what if i'm more confident? i've lost the trust in myself to live with my head up high....with a happy GO lucky mentality.

dreams i realised aren't real...you can dream but NOt all of them come true....
things are transient... they come and they go they pass you by....

i'll always be alone inside i guess and i have to deal with it....

kudos.....

hmmm...was i wrong?

2008-07-06T10:41:00.000-07:00

they finally came down and we made frens with them havings lots of fun rite NOw.
but the bad thing is...after this experience i think life is Gonna be more meaningless then before.

already i felt that life was pretty boring....and that there was really nothing to live for in my life besides hanging out occasionally with frens and studying really hard to Go to uni

but rite now their coming over opened my eyes to alotta possibilities...singaporean guys are hopeless! they are either boring....goodies....or super horny and desperate. the Good lookers are normally arrogant chauvinists who think they can have all the girls they want. those that are GOod are normally boring guys who aren't adventurous or the least bit naughty and the bad ones are too much into sex and all things sexual. isn't there someone who is balanced?

these buncha ppl are pretty mad in an adventurous way. but they understand the basic respect for each of their fellow man and will nv overstep their boundaries.

and oh yeah....they're leaving soon..which means life will be boring again. after all these new possiblities....how can i Go back to my super boring and depressing life?

i think i can do it but my emotions will be even more dead then before

signed.....rain in my heart and soul

the poison pen

2008-06-22T10:47:00.000-07:00

lol i was reading someoné's blog post about me today pretty amusing what the silly gal wrote since she's only met me the first time.

well....what can i do.....there's alotta weird ppl out there these days...that's why my mom tells me not to anyhow mix with ppl. she doesn't want me getting mixed with a buncha psychotic ppl that will get me into trouble.

this is what she said-

(((Hate it when a person tries to dress like Jpop style, talk Japanese, but doesn't carry herself that way at all. Present herself as some vulgarities-filled female dog, and wear so little as if she wants to bulge everything out including her assets for everyone to see. Mind you that there were guys around.

And when people are talking about their problems, she can really ask stupid and non-related questions. Didn't think that your sex-drive is that high for you to even ask whether the person sitting beside you is hot.

私はたぶんきびしな人です。大過ぎてから、人の優しさあまり見えないんです。

君の優しさ見えないんです。もうみえたくない、私に関係ありませんから。

My Japanese can't be compared to Ni-chan and Lizz, but yours can't be any better than mine, so stop trying to show off.

And to you girl. Money is an important thing, but to us, it means nothing compared to your character. So I hope you can open your eyes to know the true meaning of those people giving you attention and those who ignore you.

Hate octopuses. Argh irritated. Amaito and I just never stops to find fault in people huh. If you think so then nvm, its hard to understand anyway.

I guess Jie is right somehow. Looks and first impression do count in some sense.))

haha to be honest i dun really care. one thing troubles me tho. why didn't she say bitch? it sounds nicer and you KNow to be honest i do have bigger boobs then her so i guess she really must have alot to say about it. tho she does have a better voice and slimmer thighs i guess.and since she has better jap i think i'm the one who needs more practice then her lol so maybe she shoul'dn't have gotten so worked up. but well i guess she's pissed cos we girls were all talkin about sex related topics while she was hiding in one corner acting like she doesn't know nuts about sex education.anyways..the strangest thing is that she flamed me but she didn't flame the rest of the girls involved. ah well...a bad habit of hers i guess. always flaming the newcomer. lucky you broke up with her my man. guess she hates me cos of you. wanna treat me lunch for that?

oh yeah one more thing.....worst case scenario if i cant qualify as a high class bitch can i be a puppy instead? rawf!

a strange phileo....

2008-06-02T08:11:00.000-07:00

a few days ago i GOt to finally have a decent conversation with her.....and it was interestin fun. i dun really wanna say much in case somone finds this blog. but let's say that i'm really happy.....once my fren took a picture of us together and someone said i actuallly looked like i was in love....

i have strong feelings for this special someone...but it wont be the same for the other party...and i've somewhat been waiting for three years....but it has nv really been that storng last time because i had two ex bf's that last time. but Now...recently...i'm single...and i've lost faith in guys....

i dun wanna get attached to easily now. men are NOt easy to deal with. you think you Know the person after a few mths and you realised you nv really knew him at all. and when you think it's not gonna work out, you wanna move on and the dramaticism follow. it traumatising for me.....i wish guys were mature enough to understand this.

i wanna take my time to slowly know ppl and make Good choices. i'm not jumping into anymore drama again.....lets just say....ive changed...again

weary....of life....but not ready to leave this world yey

2008-05-19T21:55:00.001-07:00

i'm tired. God knows of what but i'm damn tired. sometimes i wonder if my social life is suffering becuase i chose to concentrate on my studies. but i'm damn sure i made the right choice

friends are transient. you never know who will be there for you and who wont. all i know is that i should be there for my frens but i should never expect it's my right for them to be there for me.

currently i'm single and relooking my options. focusing on my studies which is absolutely shaggin me out. the Good thing is that my health is improving though.. feel much better after taking ginseng supplement and ginger tea. that cough i had was botherng me for ages. was so worried that my health would get even worse

there's this guy whom i think likes me but i'm not sure yet. all i kknow is that i should not limit myself to one choice.

feeling rather stoned now. not really sure hows everyhing in life gonna go. all i know is that i have to be strong and independant.god knows why i'm feeling stressed out now. i just am. just keep feeling that everything is gonna screw up. i'm gonna screw up......

but then again. most people would say if that's the case they would all screw up together with me. hope they're right....

i'm tired.luckily suicidal thoughts dun gel well with me. i wanna earn milllions and spend them before i consider dying.

ya....tat should be the case.hahah well i think i must be so tired i'm startin to talk rubbish. time for lunch!

love...a strange and heartbreakin thing

2008-04-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

currently i'm not sure what i want anymore....i feel that singaporeans concept of dating is wrong. dating is not about i like you you like me let's Go steady....sometimes one has to sit back and date uncommitedly....get to know the person better....and then decide wether he wants to commit or not.

i dun think i'm always ready for a relationship. this time i wanna be sure before i jump into anything.....maybe i've grown up....maybe i haven....but i definitely wanna make sure cos i dun want tragedy to keep occuring.

when i well and truly commit. i'll be damn sure i'm in love with the person and he'loves me in return

in a sense i'm stressed and have lack of slp. i cant wake up for class....but i'm dead sure that i know where the hell i'm headed too....and i'm not gonna give up till i reach my goals and dreams....

cheer on raina!

blogging is for the intellectual?

2008-04-23T03:52:00.000-07:00

wow i should reallly pick up some computer skills....the only reason why my blog's pretty nice is because my friend helped me out with it. befoore that it was positively shitty. i mean shiiiittty........anyways rite now i'm bloggin from office since i'm stilll waitin for the audio files to be bounced.....

most of my blog stuff aren't updated cos all my data is with my fren and all....hha and i dun wanna sign up for a newphotobucket cos tat means one more new password to forget!hehe..

anyways i'm still at office even though my internship is officially ocver.....i still owe them a week due to the perfie in melbourne. but it's just so tiring! the 2nd week of school already have to hand up my first FYP presentation and with all the work and late night muggin (school ends at 6) i'm so shag i've already skipped two classes! T_T

anyways enough bitching...haha still trying ta get life back on track. with so many ppl rooting for me i have to be positive dun i?

it's been ages

2008-04-06T23:36:00.001-07:00

it's been ages since i wrote back here.....the last time i was here..life was full of regrets......well....life isnt full of regrets anymore....though i still ponder on the meaning of life...cos not very sure what's my meaning in life.

problem is...i think i dream too much....when the edges of the real world and the fantasy world is blurred....you get a deep seated disappointment with life....

but anyway....in general... alotta things have happened.
1) i went to melbourne
2)helped out in this year's FO camp
3)still doing itp
4) now i'm sick

1)melbourne was the greatest time of my life...i'll never forget it; sitting around the dining table and talking,....listening to the possums run across the roof....sailing...stargazing...michael is such a cool lecturer....he's not the kind who'l just want to show the glamorous side of him...he's honest about who he really is....

we stayed at his house....and got to jam at his fren's place..cool rite?
after out performance in monash university...we stayed behind to listen to a lecture by this really interesting guy.

i met up with my sec school junior after that. he happened to be studying in monash.he brought me out for dinner at jamie oliver's restaurant...and then later cos my bag spoil....he got me a Guess bag.deeply in love with it wahah....

2) i helped out in FO camp during shim nite....was invited back as a special gu4est.wahaha as usual when this mama is involved...things are always a success.waha!shall not go into details if not the persons involved might kill me.

3) still haven finished itp yet....i think i'm dying....my itp confirm screwed up cos
4) i'm sick and have been sick three times already....my attendance is gonna screw up and that means my grades will be affected.damn!
itp's ok....but with all the expectations and all that flying around....things can get abit stressful...but then again....life's like that...why do you think i'm not keen on graduating.....
but i am!!!!!!! i'm graduating! now a middle ages bird!oh noooo!!!!!!!

a love confession...albeit a stupid one

2007-12-28T08:31:00.001-08:00

ya knoe...i dunno why isit so hard to just tell you i love you....it's like...there are so many things i want to tell you...like how much you mean to me..how sweet you are...how much i care..and how much i miss you.

somehow...whenever i want to tell you something like that..the words dun seem to come. i just freeze up...or worry that what i would say might sound insincere or stupid.which is why i have to resort to this.

sometimes i might sound very unemotional, or very unexpressive. i dunno why. somehow, i've always been very vocal with other feelings but when it comes to how i feel for someone,anyone, it's just so hard for me to tell that someone how important he or she is to me

you are important to me, and i really dunno how to make you believe that but please believe me

it's going to be a very long week and i dunno how am i gonna cope without bein able to hear yuor voice much but i trust that things will work out. it has to. i miss you so much it hurts inside sometimes.

please dun laugh at me after you read this. i meant every word i said

raina

departure

2007-12-21T03:08:00.000-08:00

he's gonna leave me..i'm sure...i never took care of him properly and i hurt him...i deserve it..what am i gonna do?

i'm not a good person...i knew that a long time ago...i didn't want to confess the truth...but i tot...he deserved to know...that the girl he loves is tainted..but i really regret...

sometimes i think i did the right thing...sometimes i think i didn't...i'm prepared to lose him but my heart hurts..

i hurt him even more...i wish that i could just....rip my heart out and give it to him....anything....

the first fight....

2007-11-26T08:18:00.000-08:00

lol///what a day...well...not like today's been a madcap day...but..well...things have happened lately....and i wont say they're god or bad....but i've learnt alot...in the past few days///

for one...i've had a major fight with my bf....all becos he was grouchy and a misunderstanding over the misconception of A sms.

and of course...the whole furor about the spstar competition...the stress was getting to everyone and becos me and my partner dealt with things differently, it led to an misunderstanding and a fight. but of course, things are cleared up now....it was worth it too cos we won the competition!

i've learned how to clear things up before they get worse and not let stuff hang and fester....plus i've learned alot more of the personality of the ppl that matter in the last few days....just hope i'll keep learning

cheerios!

long time waiting...

2007-11-12T07:26:00.000-08:00

hi folks!!!it's been a long time since i've been here...so much time has passed and my birthday is even comin soon at the end of the mth...since then...so many things have happened and many things have changed...i've had many issues and many regrets...

one thing that's changed is that i've gotten a new boyfriend....it might seem fickle but at first i wanted to take things slowly...it started off as us being phone pals(we met while i was working in cosafe...he's a regular customer)...in the end i knew he had fallen for me and i proposed we give it a try....it was a little hard with our relationship being long distance and all....but i managed to wait for two mths till he came to sg...

when he came to sg...we almost broke up cos by then...he had fallen for me and i for him.,..i never wanted to give my heart away so easy but in the end...we almost broke up because at that period of time he wasn't sure when he was comin back to sg and he didn't want to be selfish and make me wait for him....but it all worked out later cos he has a few job offers and he's sending out resumes to sg...to apply to be a lecturer or somewhat(he has a diploma in hospitality management)

my boyfriend's 31 but i dun care (although somehow i feel i always seem to have affinity with older guys...why are they always the ones interested in me?) so what if my boyfriend's caucasian? i know it's the bigges irony cos i once told my mom i wouldn't like the thought of dating an "ang moh" but in the end, i fall for an "ang moh".

it's a good thing to have tried out something different in your life...i will never regret it...i've tried younger guys and they all hurt me or brome my heart...i noe i've only been with two guys...but it's enough to make me afraid for myself....i dun wanna go thru this again....

i've been hittin myself over and over again inside after every break up cos i always felt it's my fault...two mths after i broke up with him...i found out that while e was in america...he had been unfaithful to me all along....which means i spent the two mths and heartache waiting in vain...that asshole!!!

i finally got drunk and dissed my other ex as well...finally saw his true colors...tat conniving bastard...

been having lotsa problems recently...some that i cant even mention....for one thing.. i have this feeling that this supplier just cheated me outta $160. and i have other financial trouble that i cant talk about either...rite now..i have to concentrate on getting the money back in two mths...i'll do whatever it takes...but i have to get that money back..

a fickle heart

2007-07-22T06:44:00.000-07:00

everything's finally over. in the blinking of an eye..i felt like as if someone had ripped my heart out and put sawdust in place of it.

last friday.....i told him i wanted to break up due to my parent's approval, even though it hurt real bad....he cried and said he wanted us to stay together till december...didn't accept the reason i gave him...

a week later on the following wed...he sent me an email saying he wanted to break up...and threw back the same reasons i gave him

Hello Deborah,
>Sorry for not replying for such a long time. I was not lazy but needed rest and time to think. I discussed our situation with my parents and sister. And after some length of argument, they also feel that I should break up with you.
>
>My parents told me that it is no use holding on to these kind of relationships as we both have different ideals and goals. They also said that if one party found that there was no other way to solve the problem, it is not meant to be. They felt that I should take whatever happy times we had with each other and always remember them and cherish them.
>
>I have been doing alot of thinking, and I have come to a decision. I want to break up with you now and not continue until Decemeber. Here are my reasons.
>
>1. If you see no future for us, continuing and living the relationship as though nothing happened and making it better will only cause more hard feelings at the end of December. We should still continue to be good friends and you can rely on me for help.

>
>2. It is a constant fear that you have that is always nagging you at the back of your head and it will never go away. It will not only affect the relationship but also our mental being. You have thought about it for a long time, so I believe that you are wholeheartedly resolved in your decision.
>
>3. I feel that I'm clinging on to something that will never work and am deluding myself into thinking that it just might somehow. It is not within our control and I feel helpless.
>
>4. Things will never be the same again and I can hear it from your voice. I cannot give you the things you need and Im sorry for that. There were always things and I did that didn't make you happy, and things that you didn't want to tell me.
>
>5. After that talking with you that day, I have realised that my feelings for you are slowly fading away in a dull, painful throb. It feels as if you are leaving my heart and packing your bags, and this Decemeber will only be us saying an extended goodbye.
>
>6. Our personalities and goals and ideals don't quite match. Such as the way you think, the spagehetti thing and religion. Or the fact that you felt it was neccessary to stir up a crisis instead of talking or scolding me.
>
>7. I feel like I was a crap boyfriend to you in that you couldn't share so many important things that matter to you with me. I feel that I am not the right kind of guy for you, and you not the right kind of girl for me.
>
>I think in a way I have been given a answer from your last email, and feel that this is the best course of action. I wish it could have been different. It hurts me so to type this and to finally let go. I hope that you will always cherish the time we had together and the lessons we went through.
>
>I still want to be goodfriends with you. Although now I can't get piano lessons from you, I can pay you so I can continue my dream.
>
>
>
>Your Ex-Boyfriend,
>Dennis
>Try PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best Web mail — award-winning Windows Live Hotmail.
>
he even told me he wanted to be good frens with me....something that he said wasn't possible when i first mentioned the breakup with him.....

well...in a way i brought this on myself....but just a day l8r....

Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
u were right about something
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
what was i right about?
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
raina raina is interested in me
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
i was?
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
she confessed?
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
hey
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
dun suddenly go all quiet leh
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
huh oh no she didnt confess
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
we talked
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
and she kissed me
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
yesterday or so
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
should i bbe happy for you?
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
no
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
or should i have told u that i was right all along
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
but u refused to listen
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
i feel like i betrayed u or something
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
u didn't listen to me
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
i knew...
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
we all knew that she hadda thing for u
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
but u didn't trust my judgement
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
well
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
does she know we broke up?
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
and y do u think u've betrayed me?
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
its just a funny feelings
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
feeling
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
yes she knows we broke up
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
i only told very few ppl
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
not many know yet
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
hey
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
where did she kiss u?
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
lips?
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
ic
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
kissed, held hands, hugged..
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
well u didn betray me
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
we're not together anymore
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
ok, i wanted to hear that from you
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
u wanted me to give you the approval to be together with her?
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
ask u one thing
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
did she hold your hand did she hug u?
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
or did u do it?
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
she did
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
everything was her
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
why?
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
well
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
what did u want to hear from me?
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
the approval?
live goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
you haven answered that question yet
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
i wanted to hear if u would let me see how things go with her
life goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
oh
life goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
hey
life goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
go ahead man
life goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
i'm not ur gal anymoe what right have i to chap ur things?
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
because we still have feelings
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
and i dun want to hurt you
life goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
hey
life goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
do whatever u have to do
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
will this affect our friendship?
life goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
it wont
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
ok thats good
life goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
do u have feelings for her?
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
its a very mixed feeling
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
she shares almost every single one of my ideals and stuff
life goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
uh huh
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
rite down to the tv we watch and the sports we are interested in
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
so i still like u
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
yet like her
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
and we both agree that we will see how things go
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
she doesnt see marriage as the end goal as well
life goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
ok
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
i dun know its a very strange feeling
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
shes actually an introvert with a flashy external shell and she doesnt really talk alot to others, but she can talk to me
life goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
what are u tryin to say?
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
im just saying that i hope if anything does happen like we get together, we will not end in tears like u and me again
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
but i want you to know
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
that before we broke up
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
i had no intentions on her
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
and we did nothing
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
rain are u ok?
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
how come you suddenly nv say anything>
life goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
ya
life goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
i'm fibe
life goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
fine
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
whats on your mind now?
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
"Dennis you two timing bastard, you never loved me in the first place"
life goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
hmmm?
life goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
no la
life goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
ok la
life goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
it's just that u work fast
life goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
i'm surprised
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
i just talked alot to her
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
out of her 3 bfs and 2 dates, none of them actually talk to her
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
so we can talk, she likes the way i view things, she likes my muscles. i dun think i worked anything.. it was just plain me... i acted like myself. In her words:"Your good at being yourself"
life goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
haha
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
because everyone in the trip is elite top students... only me.. a slacker..
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
so i said im not good at anything
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
and she replyed that
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
replied
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
im going to eat lunch now
Dennis ^^ Carrots are a expression of happiness not acting cute! says:
beybye
life goes on....feeling hollow inside.. says:
bb

he broke my heart and i'll never forgive him....i cant believe i fell in love with a guy who was so fickle.....i'll never ever ever forgive him...or the hurt he caused me

waiting....i probably shouldnt

2007-07-08T07:30:00.000-07:00

most probably you wouldn't reply me....or even say hi....it's ok....i understand that ur so busy....

i'm not trying to be unreasonable or something....it's just that after a few nights of lack of sleep, i dun feel so good...and there's this throbbing headache that doesn't wanna let me off.

u see dear...actually...i miss u alot..more then u think.//...and rite now...what i need is someone to lean on...

unfortunately...i keep feeling that besides you.there's no one else there for me...and i feel lonely...very lonely...

i'm not angry or anything...just feeling like fuck and hopin that u'll call me today after u get back from church.hope to hear from ya///

work is pilin up...i guess i'll get back to doing something....